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Old 08-30-2012, 06:45 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,609
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Panda:

You are handling a tough situation in Jedi Player ways. I commend you. Nobody wants to be dealing in Muppet Show dramas.

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I think I'm coming across as an incredibly disrespectful jerk in some people's eyes and that's not who I am but I think I word stuff wrong and have been "thinking in text" and just writing every feeling and thought that pops into my head without thinking about how horrid it may sound.
I want to lift these things up from what seems to be developing as a "journal thread" with you talking out loud as you guide yourself through your waters.

I don't think you sound like a jerk.
I think you are sounding like a person writing in a journal trying to sort themselves out... and seeking a little feedback here and there while doing so. You might ask a mod to move it over to the BLOG thread area for you.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=5

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She started crying and at first I thought "OMG, I've hurt her, now I have to backtrack and say it's ok" but then I remembered what you all said and I just let her cry until she was done. When I didn't respond to her crying she stopped and told me she was sorry.
This was good. Let internal weather just blow on through. You do NOT have to "fix" tears. Just let it blow on through and let the person return to a place where they can speak again. Hand tissues. Pat pat there there. If they emotionally flood, reschedule the talk for another time when heads are cool. That is compassionate response. Some things take more than one talk to get all the way across and it is ok to set another time to talk if emotional flooding has happened.

But YOU are not responsible for feelings being felt, esp when you are doing nothing with mean intent. It's just internal weather. You ARE responsible for how you choose to behave, and compromising what YOU want just to make another stop crying and be "happy" is not Love.

There is a certain amount of give and take in a mature relationship, sure.

But entering a polyship YOU CLEARLY DO NOT WANT is not helping you or her any -- it's not even the relationship model you want to be in for yourself!

That's is not certain amount of give and take within a relationship model you want to be in to maintain the happy medium and live together harmoniously. THAT would be compromising your own integrity and that's just not an option if YOU wish you be happy in yourself and in your life. If she wants a polyship, she deserves to have it with people who really want to be in polyship of some kind (and there are many models!) with her and work with it. If you want to be in monogamous relationship, you deserve that for you with people who really want to be in the same monoship style with you.

That is fair. You each get to pick for your own life.

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So I suggested that maybe she should not come here this weekend. Not because I'm angry but because it seems that we want very different things in life. That maybe we need to reevaluate our relationship before taking it further. So she insists on still coming here. We are going to talk when she's here. I talked to my mom about it. My mom is open minded and not judgmental so she can see both sides but of course she will look out for me first.
Good on you! Your GF did not want to respect a soft limit you put out of sorting through a bit before meeting up in person. Perhaps to be able to keep cooler heads?

But she INSISTS on talking in person. I don't see what talking in person covers that cannot be done by phone. So be on guard for her throwing herself emotionally or sexually at you. It sounds horrible -- but let's keep it real.

I do not know EITHER of you, I'm some stranger. But you have a girl who sounds from your writings like she is very loose with her emotional boundaries there and she talks about people as "boy toys" -- people are not THINGS. They are PERSONS. So good for you seeing that you could be not seeing entirely clear because you are in NRE, and it's the first big relationship for you. Turning to your mom for aid was smart. You are guarding your own emotional health bucket -- or trying to -- in age appropriate ways. At 20 years old, you are a young adult person but could still benefit from experienced adults giving you sane advice. There is nothing wrong with being inexperienced and wanting to proceed in your life journey in a SANE WAY.

Kudos for owning your own baggage!

Remember your promises to YOURSELF:

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I think maybe that this is just too much for me for a FIRST ever relationship. I'm just turned 20, she's 19.
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So this time when she comes I'm not giving her money or buying her things and no fine dining in restaurants.
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the issue is that if I plan a life around her but she's not into the same plan then it is just silly to pretend.
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I've decided that I will not have any sexual intimacy with my girlfriend if we still have lifestyle incompatibility. Sex is special to me. I've waited this long for the right girl, and if my GF is not the one then I will continue to wait. I can love her without sex. I have so far.
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I know that we may end up just good friends and cuddle buddies, but I would rather have that and know that's all it can ever be if she insists that she needs open relationships than have my heart destroyed by trying to make something work that can never be. At least I hope I'm strong enough to carry out my plan.
You may consider just breaking up and turning the volume down to friends without cuddly business. Being cuddle buddies with her may delay your finding/seeking Another that is more the fit of what you seek from Life because THEY don't want to get involved with someone who has some cuddly bunny on the side.

There is NOTHING wrong with you being monoamorous AND seeking a monogamous relationship structure. You want what you want. Your life is your life. You are entitled to live it how you want to live it.

You do NOT have to be monoamorous and poly friendly so you can accept and handle being a monoamorous person in a poly structure like a "V" or something because she wants that from you. She can want that. But YOU decide if you can give that or not honestly -- and say an honest no if you cannot. Do not compromise your own values and desires on something so core.

You both can be sad it isn't a runner, but at 19? Her wailing and crying and wishing to have both when clearly YOU are not wishing this is kinda... fresh.

Chalk it up to age in inexperience or not yet adult mature rather than outright mean -- but the bottom line is still the bottom line. The 19 year old is thinking about HER wants first. Not what is best for you (the partner) or what is best for the relationship overall. Just wahhhh... want what she wants and waaaaahhhh can't have it! This is her opportunity to grow herself into a better her by learning to respect other people's wants, needs, and limits more gracefully. She has opportunity to learn to state what she wants, needs, and her limits are more forthrightly from the get go.

This is YOUR opportunity to learn how to know and state your own wants, needs, and limits and how to firmly but kindly say NO when you come to find your dating partner is not quite it. So that you can keep your integrity and balance even when it is a challenging situation.

If this ends up as a break up, it is opportunity for BOTH to learn how to break up well and with grace and give yourselves aftercare. That's a valuable skill. In dating life, the odds are that you will use that skill again.

Breaking up well can be awesome -- I have one break up that was excellent! We laughed, we cried, it was great! And we were friends for a long time. It was very healing to be able to grieve together over having tried for a long while and reaching the end of the run and landing it well.

I still smile when I think of him.

You are not that much older than her, but have a much better handle on that "keeping it real" thing. I salute you. You may be new to practical dating experiences, but you are wise in your ways. You just don't know it yet.

Hang in there, Jedi. Love well, Love hard. Stay true to yourself.

Namaste,

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-30-2012 at 07:21 PM.
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