Gia and I worked out some things today, via chat and email. It was very tense at times, there were parts where my hands shook as I typed and I felt adrenaline-y and weird.
A very basic summary:
Her: Wanna go to this class? It'd be a really cute date!
Me: Totally! But let's not count it towards our "every other month dates" goal unless we're also, like, getting dinner or just hanging or whatnot.
Her: Why not? I think it'd still be a date.
How am I supposed to feel valued in this relationship when you don't want to make any time to just *be* with me, you only want to hang if we're also doing some other hobby or activity? How is it any different than you just making time to be with other friends?
Her: It's different because it's *you*. Because of my anxiety, it's actually much easier for me to be relaxed with someone if there's another context besides just social interaction, such as an activity we're doing together. I picked this particular activity because I thought you'd enjoy it and find it romantic, it's not something I'd bother to make time for with anyone else.
Me: Agh, crap, I'm sorry, that actually is thoughtful and romantic. I've just been feeling crazy lately, jealous and insecure in ways I'm not used to. It's been almost two years since you got pregnant and we weren't able to be as close, and I've been fine most of that time, but lately I'm less fine and I don't know why.
Her: I feel like I've been giving this relationship my all these last 6 months, and I don't know that I have anything more to give. It scares me that I've laid out a schedule that I know I can handle, and you're still feeling like it's not enough. I can try to give more, but I just have so little energy and time. On top of everything, my relationship with Eric is super strained, and now this is just so upsetting and frustrating.
Me: It's like, now that the intimacy we'd been missing is finally returning, I'm suddenly unable to avoid the knowledge of how much I miss it. I think it'll get better. It really helps to understand more about how your anxiety shapes the choices you make about what you want to do together, thank you for clarifying that. I'm sorry for upsetting you, I know that you're trying and that things are just hard right now. I wish I could help more.
Both of us: We're going to be ok. It's good that we trust each other enough to hear the hard things.
Ergh, so stressful but so important to hash this stuff out...
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.