Originally Posted by Urvile
I missed this before, wanted to comment.
"when you had an affair, would it have been useful for your gf to contact that person letting them know they were a bad person who was causing problems for you two?"
* It was a moment of impulse, I'm not excusing it, just context.
* The person whom I had a affair with, was her friend first.
* The person whom I had the affair with, knew the situation ( lies / cheating /blaming ) and in her own way was trying to heal me.
* I've lost the friendship of someone I really care about because of this.
* When it came out, ironicaly there was a virtual cat fight between them. They no longer talk.
* I wanted to come out into the open almost immediately. I felt like such a hypocrite.
So...this really makes me see what snowmelt is saying about it taking a bit of work to listen to what someone is telling you. (Perhaps its the written format and not the case via other delivery means?)
None of those things you responded with actually answered the yes/no question I asked, where the only purpose was to illustrate that a 3rd party is irrelevant to issues between you and your partner, confronting the other person involved does not solve anything.
However it looks like the answer to my question was no. Her and the other person interacting about the affair resulted in drama and distraction from the actual issue - the problems between you and your partner. Both of you confronted third parties, and it has not improved your actual dynamic in any way, just given you both more stuff to be pissed about.
I'm not saying those details don't make your story more lurid and drama filled, but they don't really have much relevance in giving objective relationship advice, other than to back up neither of you seem to have great boundaries or a huge desire to be happy in a relationship.