Originally Posted by Dagferi
have been with my husband D for 11 years. He told me way back then that he is kinky and his tastes. I told him from very early on in our relationship his BDSM desires made me very uncomfortable. I have a high sexual drive but my tastes are more vanilla. He is into being dominated/humiliated/flogged the whole nine yards. I told him I am sorry can't do it and set him free.
HE decided to that he wanted to be with me. But unfortunately his desires keep coming back. I do not blame him one bit. He is who is he is. But I am who I am. Trying to fulfilled his needs makes be feel dirty, disgusting, objectified. I have tried meeting him part way and indulging in his foot fetish stuff but he is always pushing for more. I have told him to go find a play partner I just can't do this.
The problem he wont.... He is mono. He said he would be open to finding someone to play with but I have to find her for him. WTH I am not his pimp and that so is not happening. I have tried to get him to get out into the local scene he won't go without me. I am not comfortable with attending their local Munch. I am the poly one and he suggested opening up to me finding someone who makes me happy. I was not seeking an second relationship out of respect for my husband and I's relationship. I didn't get involved with anyone for well over a year after opening up our marriage. Unfortunately apparently he did so for selfish reasons. I am more likely to cave a bit when I am really happy and play a bit further. The problem is it always leaves me feeling disgusted and used.
I love my husband and I want him to be happy. He deserves to have his desires met. He is more than welcome to find someone else to fulfill those desires, but he wont. So I feel guilty. I do not want him to have a miserable life and I feel horrible but I just can't go there. I am about ready to set him free (divorce) even though he says it is not an option.
Today is the first time all 3 of our kids are out of the house at school leaving my husband and I home alone. I had planned on a little foot play to make my husband happy. As we are getting ready to get started he comes down stairs with his whole bag of toys. That just killed the whole mood for me.. I am a person who prefers to operate on spontaneity. When you try and push I balk. I freaked out and shut down.
You've been clear. You can't fulfill his kinks. It makes you ill and unhappy and uncomfortable. He married you anyway. You are not his pimp to find someone to beat him nor his momma to find him a playmate. Not your job! He has needs you cannot address. You have clearly given him permission to go get those needs met elsewhere. I know lots of folks who are monogamous but do BDSM play with people not their spouse. They won't do sexual BDSM scenes with others. Non-sexual play is common and accepted in BDSM communities. It is entirely possible to be mono and do kink with people other than one's partner.
It is his responsibility to get his needs met. Not yours not anyone else's. He needs to get involved in his local kink community - go to a munch, meet some folks in a vanilla setting. Without you! And lots of kinksters have vanilla partners - he will not be unusual at all.
He can also pay a pro domme. No they are not cheap but worth every penny if it made him happy and took the pressure off you. He can find one with a minimum of research.
He is so freakin' ahead of the curve! Does he realize that? A supportive vanilla spouse who acknowledges his kinks and wants him to be happy is rare! He should be kissing your feet!
Tell him he is responsible for meeting his needs not you. You are not playing that game any more. No more indulging him. He's a grown man not a child. He is to take charge of finding and participating with other kinksters. It's time to man up.
If he refuses, then tell him divorce is your other option. Yes harsh. But not taking care of one's needs and expecting you to do all the work of making him happy is not indicative of a healthy grown up marriage.