Originally Posted by MusicalRose
Perhaps this has already been answered, but have you made it clear to your lover that you have no intention of leaving your wife? Have you discussed the idea of polyamory with her?
One thing I have noticed seems to happen more often than not is that sometimes the outside person doesn't take the notion of polyamory seriously, and will continue to try to get you to "realize they are your soul mate" or leave your current partner if they just show you eventually that they can make you happier. In a mono-standard world, this is often what people assume is the norm when cheating is going on or when you desire someone other than your partner. The assumption is that your partner isn't "the one" so you are looking for "the one" even if you don't realize it yet.
Your lover may be in a situation where she simply doesn't accept that you still love your wife, and thinks that it is just a matter of time until you realize you really don't love your wife like you do her. This kind of situation can lead to a lot of hurt, and I would advise you to proceed with caution with your lover if she keeps making statements that indicate she wants you all to herself. If you stay with her, even if you are clear and up front with her, you may be leading her on because her paradigm doesn't allow for love for more than one person and she is under the assumption she just has to wait you out.
I have extensively discussed polyamory with both my wife and lover. It's very clear I'm poly (I have some very very small idea of what it must feel like for a gay peson to come out) and I think both people accept that. I believe strongly that my wife will work with me so that I can have other loving relationships, so long as it improves the quality of the relationship with my wife and I (which I think has already happened somewhat -- I'm no longer hiding things from her, nor spending so much time doing things that are not productive).
I have been very clear from the beginning with my lover that I love my wife and never want to leave her, and also my lover is a bit stuck because even if I did leave her, she could not bear the thought of her breaking up my family. So my lover feels very stuck now and it's hard and frustrating for her. We have tried to split up in a number of occasions, mainly because in the past I thought I had to be monogamous. However we would always get back in contact.
I really think there is some outcome that can lead to happiness for all of us (and I'm not sure exactly at this point what it might be), and that by thinking too far into the future without going one step at a time leads to all kinds of suffering. I'm actually feeling much better about things today as I have been very clear with both my wife and lover that I love them both terribly and don't want to lose either of them. This fact has not upset my wife, she is having a good day in accepting who I am and my feelings (sometimes there are bad days).
Reading the information in this forum is so supportive to me, seeing that there are so many people with so many different kinds of relationships has opened my eyes quite a bit.