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Old 08-29-2012, 03:03 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 166
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I read your story, and I have a few things to say. My impression of you, after reading your story, is it takes a little bit of work to get you to listen to what someone is telling you. I will talk more about that in my words below. I want you to listen to me, so I am going to be blunt with all of my words. Please understand I am doing this because I want to help you see a few things about yourself, and I am not sure I will get through to you if I write this reply in a low key manner. Please accept my bluntness as my way of trying to help you.


THE FACTS:

Your relationship with her is not based on poly. You have little to no experience with poly. You have lots of experience being in a relationship with someone who lies to you and cheats on you.


THE REAL QUESTION:

Why are you in a relationship with someone who lies to you and cheats on you?



ANOTHER WAY OF ASKING THIS QUESTION:

Why are you willing to be on the receiving end of this abuse?



ANOTHER WAY OF ASKING THIS QUESTION:

Why is your self esteem so low that being in a relationship with her is worth all of this abuse?



MY VERY BLUNT CONCLUSION - MY VERY BLUNT OPINION:

She told you the truth in the very beginning. She said she does not do monogamy well. You did nothing with that. You swept it under the rug. You ignored it. You did not discuss with her what that was about for her. This means you did not respect the truth when she gave it to you. This means you did not respect HER when she showed you an intimate part of herself. You did not respect HER because you were looking only at your own needs, and how she could respond to them.


The result of that one inaction on your part is you opened a big door and let someone in your life who now lies to you. You stay with her. All of this says to me you accept lies from her much more easily than you accept the truth. This fact makes this situation you are in entirely about you. You are much more willing to receive lies and abuse than you are willing to receive the truth and respect, so that is the kind of relationship you get - a relationship that gives you lies and abuse. This is a fact. Your only job now is to ask yourself why is this the way you are right now? All she is doing is being who she really is.


Based on the story you told, I can draw a very simple conclusion. It is very hard to communicate with you just by talking. She tried that when she told you she has a hard time with monogamy. That didn't get through, so she had to SHOW you she has a hard time with monogamy. You STILL ignored it, because you complained and stayed when she did not change. You cannot change her, the only thing you can do if you want to be in a relationship with people who are honest with you and treat you with respect is to end this with her and find others who are honest. She does not have to change anything for you to improve your life. You do. You have to leave her. You have not. Your life stays the same. Simple math.


You have a lot of work to do on yourself before you can find someone honest. You have to answer this question:

"Why do I ignore the truth when someone gives it to me, accept lies and cheating, then complain about it when I already knew who they really were and what they would do?"

Don't even try to tell me you did not know who she is. If you are tempted even a little to do that, reread my reply. There is something inside of you that tells you it is ok to receive abuse. Your job is to find it, so you can learn why you let abusive people into your life, and change YOU.

Last edited by snowmelt; 08-29-2012 at 03:06 PM.
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