For my blog followers, I wanted to come back and update. This will probably be my last blog post, because at this point, I have very little desire to attempt another poly situation. I honestly don't think I am wired for it and since Derrick has decided to end our marriage, I no longer have to try and be poly to please him, which admittedly, was pretty stupid of me to do.
To summarize the past month: hell.
We spent the first week of the month apart to think. We talked 8/3 and I told him I was willing to go to counseling. I also found out he had made the phone affair into an in person actual "real" sex affair. He told me he wanted more time to think, because my "condition" for trying was that he cut off all contact with the other woman and he wasn't happy about that.
The following week we went back and forth about it some more and then on 8/10 on my morning commute he told me he didn't want to work on the marriage. I called him out on it - "So, your desire to stay in touch with Other Woman is more important than your desire to try and save our marriage/keep family together?" and was told it wasn't about her. He said it was a mistake for us to ever be married and he wanted out.
Suffice to say my heart was broken. He's been moved out now for a little over two weeks. I'm finally mellowing out and actually at a place of peace. Sure, I am angry he lied and cheated. I am saddened at the break up of the relationship. But I am smart enough to know that he would have just kept lying. I've uncovered one other affair from three years ago, and possibly one other from four-five years back. I am so much better off.
Marty has basically vanished, and I am okay with that too. We had good chemistry in bed, and we make good friends. I will never be the kind of priority in his life I deserve to be, so it's better this way. We are still in occasional contact to socliaze, primarily getting our kids together for play dates. I'm glad I have his family in my life because I really like and care about him, his wife, and their son. But I know especially with everything else, it's better that the romantic/sexual parts of our relationship died out months ago. Despite how tempted I am - how lonely I am for physical touch - I know it's probably best to just leave that as is.
I have redone my dating site profile and am excited to very slowly begin to casually date, as a single woman (well, married-on-road-to-divorce woman). I have had lots of advice to wait. And I don't plan to rush into anything serious, but I don't see why I shouldn't date a bit. Maybe it's because of the poly arrangement Derrick and I had this past year, and the fact I was already casually dating here and there as I looked for a secondary "lover friend", but the idea of dating doesn't sound unappealing. I don't feel like I am "broken" by this divorce process and I don't feel that I need healing time.
I have learned a lot about relationships. There are many personal compromises I made to be with Derrick. I will not be making them again. If I ever have another committed primary style relationship, I will stand much more firmly by what I want and not just settle, as I did with Derrick on some areas. I rushed so many things when Derrick and my relationship started. Looking back, I see that I was a very lonely and depressed person who equated self worth with being with someone. I am not that person anymore. The past few months I have worked hard at being my own primary. I am not looking for someone to complete me. I am looking for someone to provide companionship. Someday, maybe, to live with me, marry me, and be a stepdad to my kids. But I am already a complete person and don't need another person to make my life whole.
Thanks to all my readers these past months. I have learned a lot from you and appreciated all your support.
"This, too, is sacred."
I am my own primary.
Me: F, 30's, bi.
Sadist: my fwb. M, 30's.
Pandora: Sadist's gf. F, 30's.