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Old 12-10-2009, 09:09 AM
jenae jenae is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 4
Default Are there non-sexual expressions of polyamory?

I wrote this on a thread entitled "non-sexual affection." Maybe it will serve as a way of introducing myself and why I'm checking out this site:

My spouse (husband) has many years experience with "omnigamy" as he calls it. He gave it up under pressure from an unhappy partner, the woman he was with before me. I have always said it would be intolerable for me to share him, so we've never tried that. (That said, I wouldn't throw our union away over an "indiscretion" as they say. And if he had a desperate need I couldn't meet, I would consider trying to be open in a limited way so he could get his needs met.)

At one point ~10 years ago (I'm 40) we tried me having a lover (initially my husband's idea and prompting, old impulses stirring), but that was a rather devastating disaster.

Here's my question: Is the polyamory community a place where one might find something deeper than a friendship that is non-sexual? For instance, two people who are both missing something in their primary relationship might form a bond that is emotionally satisfying? Or a single person who REALLY knows that he or she wants to stay single might enjoy an emotional bond with a married person, without the demands of a full-on relationship? (Assumably (sp?) that person is also having lovers.... Unless they are asexual. Are there any asexuals in the polyamory community??)

Sexual non-monogamy is so complicated. And in fact I don't find myself wanting that right now. But I have thought of something often enough recently that I just today semi-jokingly revealed the thought in couple's therapy. The thought is: Maybe I need an EMOTIONAL 2nd partner. My husband and I have deep compatibilities but also sometimes explosive differences, and his dance card of people to deal with and relate to is too full, whereas I have a few valued friends but otherwise a more solitary lifestyle. (I'm a writer, so my days are spent at home.)

Bottom line is that I crave deep discussion and connectedness more than he does. Maybe this is just his nature and my nature (regardless of how much contact we respectively have with others). I sometimes think meeting someone for coffee or even just a correspondence with someone who is in a similar boat might help meet my needs. I suppose I could try to fill the need with more friends, but my feeling at the moment is that the deeper nature of relationship relating is more compelling. (I tend to "rescue" my friends with extreme, non-confrontational politeness, and feel safer and freer to be honest with my romantic partners.)

I think that's all.

Best wishes to everyone.

P.S. Though I have been heterosexual in my history, and more readily imagine a second partner as male, I could also imagine a woman in that role, especially as what I’m contemplating is an intimate but not necessarily sexual relationship.

Last edited by jenae; 12-10-2009 at 09:21 AM. Reason: proofread
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