Originally Posted by Urvile
I disagree strongly.
The one thing I've learned is no one is a island. if I were to enter into a another relationship, I'd need to know, not like, but know, all parties involved, and to do this over time. Months. Most of the real heart ache was created simply out of ignorance and impulse. I don't want to make him the focus of this, you are right, it's about her and I. But, what ever ignorance he had, it was by his choice. He didn't go away, he didn't ask questions, and he was dishonest multiple times.
I still say the problem is with your partner. if you don't trust them, you don't trust them. A lot of poly people will not be checking with you to make sure everything is above board. Time is short, life is busy, a lot of people live independently, and while glad to meet you if it's something important to your partner, may just not want to take the time to chat with you otherwise (my perception is that women are more likely to want to meet/confirm/check etc than men)
Not that you cant disagree of course - if he was dishonest, sure that's a problem but it doesn't really mean that if your partner is lying that you go after the person helping them be a liar. There are all sorts of levels of involvement in poly - and I mean..when you had an affair, would it have been useful for your gf to contact that person letting them know they were a bad person who was causing problems for you two?
"They had been corresponding for about six months, he knew all about me ( Or so he said). And he said he had no intention of causing harm to her and my relationship. ( heh, only after in secret trying to fuck her.) "
That is all her, he does not owe you anything, sad to say. Many people will have sex with other people before meeting other partners. They don't consider fucking somebody who says they are poly to be something they are doing in "secret" it's up to your partner to talk to you. Lots of people do require otherwise but really, it's up to your partner to be the one who keep communication clear and honest.