Originally Posted by Nathan
I wasn't asking if it's the "norm," I was wondering out of interest and curiosity how common it is for guys who are their girls primary, to be secondary when it comes to sex, and also how they feel about it. I'm fine with it, I'm not going to get upset just because her other love gives her more orgasms then me, in fact it turns me on. He has always been her dom but is now also her bull, and is free to be with her whenever he wants.
Like I said, I'm curious if there are any other guys who feel the same way, or not?
Hi Nathan (and Aurelie),
There are definitely guys out there who feel the same way you do. (They may not be on this forum, though). Some might identify as cuckolds, others might just be comfortable with the fact that their primary partner has a secondary partner with whom she is more sexually compatible.
I think the phrasing/terms you use in your question don't quite jive with the way most poly folks think about "primary" and "secondary." You are Aurelie's primary because you live with her and are her life partner. Her dom is her secondary because he doesn't live with her and has a primary partner of his own. You're not "sexually secondary" to her dom just because they might have more or better sex together.
Does Aurelie's dom's wife think of her herself as sexually secondary to Aurelie? I'm guessing not.
It sounds to me like you've got yourself an awesome woman who can keep two men well satisfied
. She has some kinky needs that you simply aren't compatible with. Luckily, she has a loving secondary who can meet those needs, while you benefit from finding the whole situation erotic. Plus, the pressure is off you to do BDSM stuff that you don't enjoy. Sounds perfect to me!
You ask how other men deal with the situation you describe. Well, quite often, they don't deal with it. They decide the woman is a slut who never loved them and is not worthy of their love. Sadly, societal norms condone such a punitive attitude toward "overly sexual" or "wrongly sexual" women.
However, I do think it's a challenge for anyone to accept that their primary partner has better sex with someone else. The key is to understand sexual compatibility, and the complexities of sexuality in general. Sexuality isn't just being gay/bi/straight, it's a lot of other stuff: how kinky/vanilla you are, how dominant/submissive, how high/low your libido is, what specific sex acts you like, whether you need sex to be connected to love or not, whether you're monogamous or not, etc.
Every individual needs to figure out where they are on the spectrum of each of those elements of sexuality. If you're very comfortable with your own sexuality and sexual needs, you can be comfortable with knowing that you might not be able to match all of someone else's sexual needs. And that there's nothing wrong with that.
After all, if Aurelie had a strong sexual need to be with a woman, you probably wouldn't automatically feel like she was having better sex with her female partner--you'd feel that she was having DIFFERENT sex. Or, if Aurelie was a domme instead of a sub, and her secondary was someone she dominated instead of the other way around, you would probably feel that she has very complex sexual needs that aren't your cup of tea, rather than that you're not capable of satisfying her as well as her dom can.
Sorry if that's convoluted. I'm trying to say it might help if you look past the "traditional" gender roles of your situation. You've got a woman who needs a man who is more dominant, more sexual, maybe physically larger or more traditionally "masculine" than you. I can see how that might be hard to make peace with (although it sounds like you've done so!). But if you imagine the gender roles or kinky roles reversed, you can see that it's not about you being unable to satisfy your woman--it's about your woman having a more complex sexuality than you.
It definitely sounds like you ARE sexually compatible with Aurelie in many ways. Just not in EVERY way.
Nathan, I've been on both sides of a situation like yours. A few years ago, when I was non-exclusive with my ex-boyfriend, I had better sex with another man. My ex did not deal with it well, but chose to resent me in silence instead of talking to me about it. (Later he told friends that I was just his practice girlfriend, and he made clear that he had never cared about me. Oh, and he blamed me for his sexual problems). That's a longer story. At the time, I was deliriously happy seeing both men.
Now I'm on the other side--I'm seeing a man who is MUCH kinkier than me, has a MUCH higher sex drive, etc. It's the best sex of my life, but he has better sex with other women. (He's looking for another steady partner besides me, but hasn't found one yet. I'm looking to date others also, but have no time because I'm writing my thesis).
I am totally comfortable, and totally happy, with him having fantastic sex with another woman. There are a couple reasons for this: 1) I believe I am inherently non-monogamous, and have never experienced much sexual jealousy, 2) I have no desire to do the BDSM stuff he likes to do, and I want him to have someone else to do that with, and 3) He needs sex CONSTANTLY. I get tired and sore pretty easily--there is no way I could meet all his needs even if I wanted to!
For some reason, I like men who are more sexual than me. Maybe because I still have some guilt over how my ex felt about me, and the cruel things he said to me and about me. Or maybe it's because I am finally comfortable with knowing and admitting that I like, and am largely compatible with, sexually dominant men with high sex drives.
Anyway, like you, I'm at peace with knowing my lover needs more than just me, both sexually and emotionally.
P.S. It's awesome that you took the effort to understand as much about Aurelie's BDSM needs as possible (experimenting with her, etc), even if it's not something you want for yourself. One of the worst experiences of my life was when I asked my ex if he could try holding me down and kissing me roughly--and he looked at me like I was a disgusting, depraved pervert, and said he "couldn't" and "wasn't that type of guy." At the time, I felt really guilty for making him feel insecure about himself, even though all I had done was confess a (not uncommon) fantasy.
Rather than wondering how other guys in your situation feel, Nathan, you might consider making yourself a sort of advocate for helping "nice" (i.e. vanilla) guys understand women with "wilder" sexual needs.