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Old 08-28-2012, 12:28 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,985

Originally Posted by Quietfever View Post
I find myself feeling not sexually/romantically jealous so much as deeply envious to the point of feeling very sad, because I wish I had something like she had, and every time she talks about things that she does with her husband, I think about how I don't have anyone to do those kind of things with and how I have had to settle and purge romance as a thought from my mind because it doesn't even seem like something I can find.

I do think I am more suited to being poly, but I don't think being a secondary while I am single really is going to work for me... it's triggering lots of deep seated feelings of being "last picked" or "unlucky in love" whereas when I am just single, I feel just single but not so triggered of all of these deep seated feelings from my childhood. These feelings have been there for so long and it's easier just to avoid sticky situations like this sometimes than to try to be in control over everything I'm feeling all the time....

...I also find myself feeling envious of bi women because of the perception that men take care of them and take them out and I'm all on my own. My mother has pointed out that this is totally just how it looks on my side of the fence, it's not really like that in straight relationships.

I have always had issues about feeling like no one will ever want to share a home with me and I will never be "primary material", and this was made worse by being with a partner who for three years, every day, reminded me of how lucky I was that *she* was willing to tolerate me as little as she did.
To get back to the original concern of the OP...

Feelings like insecurity, lack of worth are not going to go away once you do find a primary partner (or two). In fact, they can make you an easy target for those vicious souls who like to tear down others. (I am so sorry you experienced that. I wish being a lesbian automatically made one a good, kind, ethical person but it just doesn't work that way.) I realize you are in a difficult position financially but I encourage you to work on this part of yourself. Perhaps group therapy which can be less expensive? Sometimes counties or states have inexpensive therapy options for financially strapped folks.

Self-help books maybe? I recommend Loving What Is by Byron Katie. It's not specifically about self-esteem but teaches about how to think about one's own thoughts and the emotions connected to those thoughts. I've been finding it very powerful. Poke around - your suburban community might have some unexpected resources.

Do this for yourself - find the roots of your perception that there is or will be no one for you. It may be difficult - probably will be difficult but I can think of no better gift to give yourself (and your future honey's!)

It's funny how people perceive bi, fluid or pansexual people. I was married to a woman for 12 years. Now I worry that if I date a man, people will think I'm straight. (*gasp!*) I also worry that people will perceive me as being into women for play purposes only - that I'm into pleasing a man by performing in bed with a woman. This creeps me out and is not as uncommon an attitude as I would like. I make my own money and own my house (I'm very fortunate) so I don't worry so much about the financial part, but if I dated a man who was much wealthier than I, well, it might come up. (On the other hand, in my crowd, this is very unlikely! Bless their hippie, crunchy, non-capitalist souls!) At any rate, a fine example of the 'grass is always greener' adage.
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