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Old 08-27-2012, 06:59 PM
monogamishSF monogamishSF is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: San Francisco, CA
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I found out two days ago that she lied about the first date too, so she's been carrying a string of lies along while I've been coping with the one I knew about. I thought I was cool with them dating, enough to be cool with them sleeping together, but then was suddenly struggling unexpectedly even though (she claimed) she was behaving so well. But she came clean last weekend, because I got information that didn't match up with her story (ie not voluntarily).

The new info: They hooked up on the first date. Which would have been well before I ever gave any blessings. Which is, by everyone's definition, cheating. The second cheating incident supposedly happened in a bar (by her story), but I found out that it didn't. It was at the third party's apartment, in her bed. Partner lied that she had been there, and lied to third party that I was cool with it. So, two new lies to me, another to third party.

And it's been long enough and we've talked enough that I wonder if there's any sense punishing her now, but it feels fresh and tender on my little heart all over again. And exhausting. And I'm wondering what else she didn't tell me. And I'm so mad that this, our first experience with a secondary, began and ended with a bunch of lies (not just one). From both of them. I trusted this new person, I trusted my partner.. I thought I knew all of the missing info, and now find that I didn't. And I'm wondering what's left, but I remembered your comments that what's left doesn't matter, that once burned, why dig for details.

I'm not as floored as I was then. But I do think it's safe to say I was way more ready, going in, than I gave myself credit for. What I wasn't ready for was the lying. And that's what my trigger is: dishonesty. That's why I'm poly! To stop the lying! And now that I know the timeframe, it matches up completely to when I started to panic. I thought for no reason but jealousy. But I could tell, you guys! I just know her, and I know what lying looks like on her. I do not have any history of wrongly accusing anyone of cheating, even in monogamy. The only times I've freaked out this way, like I did, was when I smelled a rat. So I didn't just go crazy and ruin this for her before it started, like she's been trying to tell me. She began her first secondary relationship on a pile of lies.

She did say that she's afraid to be honest with me. That's something I need to work on: giving her a safe place to talk. I think this is a common denominator in my past relationships when cheating was a problem. I'm a formidable opponent during arguments. I don't think I'd want to come clean with me that I'd cheated either, hah. And that's what I've depended on this whole time to keep people from cheating/hurting me. If they're afraid of me (I have sharp eyes and a sharp tongue, I'm not talking physical intimidation), then they won't cheat on me. The reality is, they'll just bend over backward so I don't find out. But I always do, eventually...

I can't really blame her for why she lied. She owned up. She knows it'll take a long time for me to heal. Sometimes she still loses patience. But usually not.

I'm posting today because I can't get over the part about how she's been lying about it the whole time, through my recovery process. And how she only comes clean when she's been caught. She doesn't volunteer the info, and when confronted, since this all happened, she's still been lying to me.

I was well on my way to forgiveness before I found all this out. And I feel helpless. I've already resolved not to leave her for what happened, and piling on this new lying stuff, I feel like... leaving is so far away now. And staying leaves me open to more abuse. But if I give her a safe way to tell me things, if I give her the freedom she wanted, maybe I'll be free too? Of all of this? But why bend after I was essentially duped? When is it a "negotiation" and when is it just being walked all over?

Her way of repenting this time (I didn't ask this of her, she offered it) is to say that she had a little freedom, and ran away with it. And SHE wasn't ready. And she wants to focus on her career, and on us, not new partners (we have a secondary out of state that will remain, and I have a friend with benefits that will also remain). So basically saying, she wasn't ready, so she won't date, for as long as it takes. Was comforting to hear, for now... but it can't be permanent. Cuz this isn't her first slip. And I want so badly for it to be the last.

When she changes her mind again, and finds someone new, I'll need a new approach, I think. We're getting separate places next month, which will give us the time apart between partners that we'll need to grow. I also miss having my own bed sometimes.

In the meantime, I have new baggage to add to the old. I keep wanting to ask her about what she left out. But so far, I've tried on the whole... handle your own pain yourself thing. She knows I'm hurt. No reason to keep rubbing it in, even if stuff is haunting me. Or maybe I let it sit in my head for a week before I ask about it again with time allotted, planned for. Maybe we plan a check-in, weekly, so I can recover with her instead of all alone or in therapy, but also so she doesn't get ambushed with the convo every time it crosses my mind. I've been very careful about that this time, since this new painful info. But it's hard not to try to wring out more from her. I've just reminded myself that more info might only hurt more, so why bother. And I have a happy place I think about whenever I can't get it all out of my head. That's been working as a short-term. Helped me sleep last night like whoa.

Not even really asking for specific advice, just giving an update. But it's always nice to hear from any of you. So if you have any other thoughts, send them my way!

Last edited by monogamishSF; 08-27-2012 at 07:02 PM.
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