Originally Posted by Derbylicious
I don't really know how to start this. My husband and I have been together for 15 years. I pursued him quite actively and for the beginning of our relationship we were "friends with benefits". He would frequently talk to me during that time about how he wanted a girlfriend and that no one would ever want him ect. Even though it's irrational I've always had a little nagging feeling that he just settled for me. (Even though we have been happily married for 10 years).
So fast forward to about 2 years ago. We started talking about opening up our relationship. I have a girlfriend who I see occasionally. She also has a husband and we all get along well. I'm having trouble with the idea of my husband forming a relationship with another woman. Because I'm insecure I'm worried that he's looking for the one that he really wants, not the one that relentlessly hunted him down until he gave in.
I'm not sure how to get past this. I want him to be happy. I just hate feeling like I'm in direct competition with someone else. Anyone else been through something similar?
Something that has helped for me is to visualize what would help me feel more secure and ask for it. My quad talks constantly. Constantly! It is, by the way, the reason I haven't been here very much lately. We've apparently had a lot to talk bout. But basically, I read as many poly books as I can get my hands on, figure out what applies to me, and talk to the others about it. We're quite blessed to have a fantastic other wife who is quite skilled at communicating.
I don't know what your insecurities are based in. I understand that you feel like he settled, but I don't know what actions he's taking now that are perpetuating it. An example that might help--I feel like my husband doesn't care who fills the role of wife, as long as there's someone in the role. I feel like he doesn't see me or know me, and I don't feel like I can trust it when he says that he loves me. At the suggestion of our other wife, we got a book called The Five Love Languages, which revealed that my "love language" is touch--my husband is not very affectionate, and I felt the lack of touch but didn't realize that was the problem. We talked about what the minimum was for me to feel loved. We came to an agreement that he and I would drop everything at 11:30pm and just cuddle with one another until we fell asleep. The agreement sounds very cold and unfeeling, but just the added touch has helped center me. It's been less than a week since we made the agreement, but today I woke up feeling more happy and sane than I have in a long time.
So, ask yourself, how can I feel like he's choosing me? I don't recommend the trial-by-fire approach--our other wife tried it, and it seemed like nothing our other husband did was right. Every action he took made it appear that he was choosing me over her. We've had to take a step back to save the relationship.
Perhaps you can come up with a reasonable action that might not seem like much, but given time will help you feel like he's choosing to be with you. You're welcome to talk to me--I'm about two months into my only poly relationship, and in a polyfideltious quad comprised of two married couples. BTW, I very much feel like my husband married me because I pursued him.