I strongly suggest you get the book, "The 5 Love Languages". Even if he won't read it, it can give you really good information. I recognized my husband right away and things started to make a lot more sense to me. My husband just got the highlights. For years, both of us were trying to show our love for each other by expressing the things that made US feel loved, which did almost nothing for the other person.
I'm not a touch person and for a long time I too pulled away when my husband touched me because, in the past, that was his way of asking for sex (after my kids were born, I had no desire and it was just one more obligation that required time and energy). I couldn't even enjoy a simple caress of my arm without instant anxiety. Start small, ask him to give you a hug everyday when you come home from work. Give him the control to start it and end it, knowing sex won't be expected. If that works, then gradually add a few more thing in one at a time. For those of us that aren't touch people, it takes time and practice to be comfortable offering and even receiving touch. For me it became much easier to initiate the touching toward my husband when I knew that was what made him feel loved (he could have cared less that I made him breakfast). Make the promise to both him and yourself, that you won't expect sex unless either of you specifically and bluntly asks for it, "Honey, can we have sex?". Trust me this can seriously reduce the anxiety, if there is any.
I'm no therapist and it sound like you and your husband could use one. Even if it's you alone, the therapist may have more insight and help for your regarding your husband's issues.
PS - do some research into high functioning autism and PTSD, a few things you mention raised some red flags.
Last edited by SNeacail; 08-26-2012 at 04:27 PM.