I'm sitting here thinking of his face when we discussed tantric sex.... my god you should have seen him, was like I was asking him to eat worms (which surprised me as he's quite open minded on so many other things: holistic medicine, quantum physics, alt energy...)
You're completely right: intimacy
Not logistics, not stuff you'd share with a friend, but the "I'm with you, in this moment" feeling of a good hug, of a deep look, a gentle touch
Yes, sex is great, all those endorphins, heavy breathing, sweat... (and yes, when he does get down to it, he's very good)
But it's the intimate connectedness that has died....
On this forum, I've learnt a new acronym: NRE
Yes, I've NRE with my second, and it's wonderful
With my primary, even now, even through our heated discussions and worse times, I look to him, see the form of him, the length of his person beneath his cloths, and I yearn/burn to run my hands along his form, feel the softness of his skin beneath my lips, breath deeply his smell......
Even when things are well between us, I reach out to him, to hold his hand, hug him, smile into his eyes.... he pulls away, 1001 things more important than giving me a moment of contentment in his arms
When we talk of intimacy, from his perspective, it falls into logistics, and quite honestly that's exactly how it feels as well. A peck befor bedtime akin to brushing ones teeth and equal intimacy/connectedness.
On any given day, when he catches me looking at him, admiring his form, thinking of all the reasons why I love him, smile building on my face, twinkle in my eye, that "ah" building within me.... He gets uncomfortable, asks me what's up, I tell him I'm thinking of all the reasons I love him or some such... He smiles and changes the subject to whatever he's more comfortable with (news, work, logistics)
With my secondary, of of course, takes 3 milliseconds of such energy and he's stuck to me like crazy glue.... and I love it, yes, but it's not where I want to get my "fix" (I'm not a sex addict but yes, the chemicals produced by the system are much like doing drugs, so yes, getting a "fix" is, for me, the logical way to describe it)
So I try & try, research everything, discuss everything (except, I admit, I have not openly said I've activated the DADT, but that's coming, without a doubt, as I don't like lies, even lies by omission.... even if I've been told to omit them)
I've been reduced to keeping my sexual and intimacy needs to myself as an conversations on this subject leads to arguments, defensiveness and frustration on both sides.
To be blunt; I'm tired of chasing him, doing everything I can as so he may, perhaps, want to be within my 3' at some point during the day
I feel like some pathetic pervert begging for their fav kink when all I really want is a decent hug, one that comes from him, his own initiative
We've discussed this, about how, in the beginning, it was all hot & heavy, all connectedness and yearning, we've discussed how logically this hormonal rush fades and something else takes its place, something deeper, more meaningful
But I still want him, want his physical form, want him to want me, want to feel needed/wanted by him....
As I believe love & sex are not necessarily "coupled" (yes, sex is better when they are, but they can be experienced separately), I've offered anything and everything, name it and we'll make it happen...... He has no interest
For me, intimacy is/are one of life's greatest gifts
The emotional intimacy of being able to share life's ups & downs... understand each other without words..... (this we have, yet this is also the kind of intimacy one shares with ones BFF)
But a BFF, no matter how much they love you and want to share life with you, build with you, is just not the same intimacy as being truly wanted as a sexual being....
And therein lies the crux of the issue
We're best friends, family, secure & dependent on each other like two halves of a whole... But there's a piece missing which I see as a big chunk and he sees as a sliver, a minor thing, unimportant
And no matter how many conversations/tears/frustration I voice, for him it's important for those moments I'm upset and then quickly forgotten & brushed aside.... Then I feel forgotten & brushed aside... Resentment builds, communication on even mundane logistics gets all screwed up between us, we resort to solo things/activities to give each other space, we calm down and the issue gets swept under the carpet
I have to say again, many thanks to all of you, truly
Yesterday we tried to talk, he got on the blame game train and for the first time, I didn't join him (I'm very proud of myself for this)
Instead I sat there, smile on my face, and when he realized I didn't "jump", he got seriously flustered
I told him, we've been down this path before (conversation-wise), you admit as much yourself, I find it funny that after all these years we're still "there", that the "why" is still not understood.... He ended up leaving the room & going fishing without me
There is a way..... I'm certain of it....
He's a logical rational human being....
He understand love is love..... But he doesn't quite get that one person can love two or more people, all loving coming from the same place/source within, no one love being more/less than the other, all love/joy/intimacies feeding each other, replicating & magnified as to nourish the betterment of all (yes, I'm an idealist, sorry :-) )
Earlier in my life, I was a player, sex-for-fun....
I'm older now, have a lot of love and emotionally rewarding places in my life (non-sexual: friends, family, respect in the community/work)
The DADT allowed me to express my physical and sexual intimacy needs, and my second has become so much more in my life because he's allowed me to express thus side of myself without shame, without worry ("is he going to like this?... am I too fast/slow....") he actually wants me, it's in his eyes, in his touch... he welcomes me, open arms, and waits for me to kiss him, taking his time, paying attention to me & my needs....
I'm far from done on my conversations with my primary
I don't know where they will lead (even though I have a strong suspicion they may end in separation, that is the very last resort)
I don't understand how he can be happy with his life without sexual intimacy
He doesn't understand why I need it so bad
Yes, we may be at an impass (hence the DADT)
But DADT for me is like I'm hiding part of myself, that my needs are something to be hidden, shameful, dirty.... thus I'm shameful, dirty....
And I'm not, I know I'm not with every fiber of my being (took lots of therapy & sharing to fully absorbe this as it contradicts the imagery he gives me)
Yes, it may be a lost cause, I know that logically
Yet emotionally, I want everything out in the open
I want him to be happy, well within his skin.... and I want to be happy & well within my own skin... I firmly believe there is a middle ground here, I just can't seem to find it
So thank you all, for your insight, your strength, your compassion & love
This forum has/is helping me see different perspectives, different possibilities...
Your strength adding to my own....
The road less traveled is never an easy one
But the rip & replace mentality of today's instant gratification society isn't for me, I want growth within the world I current live, liberation of spirit & soul while maintaining the safety of that which is already in place
The "how" is my challenge..... and I'm determined to find answers....
So thank you for helping me on my journey
You'll never fully understand how grateful I am that you all are there/here