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Old 08-26-2012, 12:56 AM
Quietfever Quietfever is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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I have been thinking about this.

The woman who is the most likely person I'd become a "secondary" of - I would *never* feel like I was really equal status to her husband, it would always feel secondary, because they *are* legally married.

They are also very tight. Even if I got with her, I will never have the 15+ years she's had with him. I will always feel envious of that.

I find myself feeling not sexually/romantically jealous so much as deeply envious to the point of feeling very sad, because I wish I had something like she had, and every time she talks about things that she does with her husband, I think about how I don't have anyone to do those kind of things with and how I have had to settle and purge romance as a thought from my mind because it doesn't even seem like something I can find.

I do think I am more suited to being poly, but I don't think being a secondary while I am single really is going to work for me... it's triggering lots of deep seated feelings of being "last picked" or "unlucky in love" whereas when I am just single, I feel just single but not so triggered of all of these deep seated feelings from my childhood. These feelings have been there for so long and it's easier just to avoid sticky situations like this sometimes than to try to be in control over everything I'm feeling all the time.

The idea that I don't get to be someone's "favorite" is making me feel butthurt.

I'm finding I'm feeling more lonely, not less, because I'm always being reminded of something that I want but don't have. It's not as simple as going out to date and meet someone who could be my primary, because I don't meet dating partners very easily and am not in a life position where I'm likely to (I am gay but live deep in the burbs, am too financially strapped to socialize much, etc). I also find myself feeling envious of bi women because of the perception that men take care of them and take them out and I'm all on my own. My mother has pointed out that this is totally just how it looks on my side of the fence, it's not really like that in straight relationships.

I have always had issues about feeling like no one will ever want to share a home with me and I will never be "primary material", and this was made worse by being with a partner who for three years, every day, reminded me of how lucky I was that *she* was willing to tolerate me as little as she did.

This is not helping me. At least my singleness wasn't as triggery, it was just singleness.

Probably the only way such a situation *would* work for me is if I were in a shared household and in a "V" configuration I guess, as one of the hinges, but I still will probably feel triggered in my "left out/last picked" feelings simply because he's been there longer and has legal benefits of marriage.

Last edited by Quietfever; 08-26-2012 at 01:21 AM.
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