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Old 08-24-2012, 11:09 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Adam started dating a second woman, who had HSV2. I tested negative (so we assumed he was negative too), but I was OK with the risk of getting it since I don’t have any auto immune issues. Brian however was actively avoiding that risk, so since we were already in an established relationship, Adam and her were not going to participate in activities that could spread it to him, then me, then Brian. So according to our safe sex chart, certain activities were OK’ed and others weren’t. She wasn’t OK with some of those being off the table, so they decided against becoming sexual at all. Several months later Adam went ahead and got STI testing and asked for HSV2 tests, and it turned out he was positive already (likely gotten during the mid 90s when a chick had been having sex with him a couple weeks before letting him know her last bf had given it to her). So even though I was negative after 7 years with him, we decided it gave him a green light to have sex with her, and I upped my testing to every 6 months so I’d know if it was spread to me so Brian and I could stop being sexual.

I’ve felt deprived of sexual intimacy with Adam often these eight years. He is uncomfortable with sex due to a lot of his own issues, and often is uncomfortable with my assertive sexuality. We'd had a particularly sparse year AFTER the sex counselor, going a couple weeks at a time without sex, then an entire month once (during which time I would've been glad to have sex any or all of those days). Things were better in the year before we started dating other people, and they are better now, but I am fearful if he had another partner it would go back to that, as he only actively desires sex every so often, and agrees regardless of who he has it with, he isn't likely to be interested for at least a week after being sexual. He has never had NRE or a new partner spill over into wanting more sex with his other partners. We made the agreement that if his starting a sexual relationship with somebody new decreases our frequency, or results in him going into a pattern where he is having sex with them more than he is me – that he will stop dating to work on us.

I am OK with this because of a few things.
1. His regular statements that he’d like to be more comfortable with sex, and to have sex with me more often. If he isn’t actively working to improve our relationship or his own complicated relationship with his own sexuality, he agreed he doesn’t have much business having other sexual relationships.
2. Our original agreement was that I would date and he would not, because I wasn't happy with how our relationship stood, but he was fine with it. He decided a OVP wasn’t fair (or manly) so we agreed that as long as he maintains some activity of reading useful books/seeing a counselor, and actively seeks/responds to invitations by me to sexual activity of some sort with me once a week, I can handle if he’s got another partner, as long as he’s not avoiding his “responsibilities” with me.
3. When he has actively worked on this, eating better, exercising, spending less time on the computer, his sex drive has increased, so it is certainly within his abilities to improve things if he ever gets around to deciding he is ready to.

On the other hand, I wonder sometimes if I should roll the dice and be OK with him doing whatever. I do not want to be put in a position where a new sex partner is asked to go on the back burner because he got lazy and stopped making the effort with me. Since I can tell from all our current poly experiences and issues so far, he'll take distraction any day over awareness. It makes me feel I'm not "poly enough" for the liberal branch...I have to keep reminding myself that I know my limits, I am clear about my limits, Adam can negotiate or change things anytime he wants, all it takes is a few words and a moment of bravery on his end.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 08-24-2012 at 08:35 PM.
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