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Old 08-24-2012, 09:56 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
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So this is where the whole pseudonym thing gets wonky, I misused it two posts ago, where I said Todd instead of Heath. My (now ex) husband Heath was dating the hostess at the cuddle party who was ADAMS ex gf, not Todd's. Todd spent a lovely week with me and that was the end his involvement of anything poly. I imagine I'm not the only human who wishes for more liberal editing capabilities....I'll try not to feel like a douche about it...guess I should've checked in the morning after a long run of posts to make sure I had edited correctly.

Heath - ex-husband who I was with 11 years before we became poly, broke up due to infidelity, best friends currently
Todd - long term friend/flirtation, 1st poly "experience" was mono, not poly, so back to friends, best friends currently
Adam - first poly relationship >>> second husband (err, and best friends currently!)
Brian >>> first poly relationship second time round, LTR

Where was I in my long winded story...I promptly broke up with Heath, had our house sold 3 days later, and stayed with Adam for a month until a housing opportunity I had was open. His roommate of 8 years/ex-gf saw things were headed "somewhere important" for us, so she used that as a reason to give him a one month notice she was moving in with her boyfriend, so although I managed to live alone for about two months of my entire life, I ended up back co-habitating again.

When Heath told me he cheated on me, I asked Adam if he could not date anybody new for three months while I found solid footing (partially because I was staying with him), which he was glad to do. He was already dating somebody else which was fine, but I wasn't up for any more upheaval if he and I were going to keep dating. He stopped seeing her a few months later, and I found out after the fact that he'd actually stopped being intimate with her after Heath and I broke up. I was surprised to find out later that their relationship never included intercourse (his choice). I include that mainly because in the near 8 years we've been together, he hasn't had another sexual partner, which does affect things going on in my life.

So somehow the three month hiatus became much, much longer - it was fine because we got serious, then we got engaged and it made sense to stay monogamous while we were figuring out what was happening, however it was never discussed, it just became the default.

Things were all dreamy and you know everything was perfect (no of course not, we weren't 20 year olds full of tolerance and shit). We had two issues.
1. Money/constant bringing in of new purchases books/videos/comics/games into our overcrowded living situation (Yes, I care about interior design stuff) which was resolved several years ago for the most part.
2. Sex.

I was used to just about daily sex, at the time Heath and I opened up to seeing other people, so when I met Adam I was assertive/aggressive/sex positive, and it took over a year before I really started realizing we had different libidos (as I was always pursuing him, and he usually got in the mood after awhile spent making out.) It took two years to realize we were really incompatible (sadly coinciding with our engagement & wedding). By that point I really was feeling like a teenage boy pressuring his virgin girlfriend for sex.

We got married without really resolving our libido differences, I was sure poly was a given at some point, since he'd been poly for over 20 years when I met him. He, then we, saw a poly friendly sex counselor, which I think made things worse. At about 4 years I started bringing up poly as a very useful option, at 5 years I was pushing for poly, and at 6 years I was clear that either I needed to be able to seek another partner, or I did not think I could stay in our marriage.

Now I do recognize the irony in the fact that I'd had sex at least once a week since I was 20, and once a week was just fine for most of my 20's, when I hit my 30’s libido, going back to having sex once a week with Adam still seemed like hardly ever having sex - part of that was that I was just about always the aggressor, part of that was that I it was rarely a easy and joyous experience to make to to sex, there were/are often roadblocks, rejections, startled looks when I say I'm interested. Mutually positive sex experiences go a lot farther to make me feel content than awkward ones do.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 08-24-2012 at 07:10 PM.
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