So many red flags here, jenzen, I hardly know where to start. I very much respect your desire not to be exploited. With all due respect, that's what I read in your messages, bearing in mind that you couldn't possibly have written down everything in all its context.
Who has the largest salary? You didn't say anything about whether or where the wife works, or how much she makes (1/3 of the household income? 1/2? 1/10?) or how much you do. You said the man is not employed, but he somehow manages to pay for a one-person (two at most) toy of his--a motorcycle. (As a former rider and owner of multiple motorcycles, I know what they cost.)
So are you paying a third of their mortgage? Is the house in their name/s? In yours? What equity are you building, with what arrangement?
One of the things I learn daily in my triad is that with three people bringing full selves to the table, no one person can slack off unless a) the others allow it or b) they're not bringing their full self to the table.
You are right to feel and act in a self-protective manner. Moving from swinger to poly is more than a matter of picking out a person and feeling that they are "what was always missing." Poly is very hard human work with far more complicated rules at many and far-reaching levels (social, psychological, economic, moral/ethical, practical...), and all of them have to be worked out by the people involved.
Otherwise, if he is not working outside the house, and both you and the wife are (is she?), it's pretty clear to me who should be carrying the bulk of the labors at home. If he lacks the maturity, commitment, and discipline to do this, then he's not a keeper in my book. It says to me that he doesn't take homelife very seriously, or thinks the wimmins should do it.
I agree with what others have said: pick your strike zone, indicate where it is, and be ready to call a strikeout if that's what it takes to tend to your own needs and boundaries.
One last thing: you said that they were swingers, and you'd known him 20 years, but his wife just one. Were you involved with him or them in that lifestyle or outside of it? How long have they been married? Is his wife resistant to your and his involvement now (given that it sounds like at some level "you came first" temporally)?
He may be having a hard time rethinking the boundaries. In which case someone is going to have to lay it on the line with him, and I doubt it will be easy. IME this is one of the hardest parts about evolving a three person relationship.
My apologies in advance if I missed any details or got them wrong in reading your postings.
Last edited by Nudibranch; 08-23-2012 at 05:01 PM.