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Old 08-23-2012, 03:37 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,210

I'm sorry about the miscarriages. *hugs*

I am glad YOU got counseling to help you sort and make these kinds of decisions. That is you trying to take care of your health buckets in mind, body, heart, spirit responsibly.

I apologize in advance if this is Hard to Hear. But I am amazed! Gobsmacked! I worry for your kids.

But I'm seeing a guy who is all talk and no show. He talks big but refuses to deliver when it's time to walk the walk. Finds/makes excuse. NOT responsible. It's all there plain as day in your post.

He TALKS about wanting more babies and about loving you. His ACTIONS show
  • not wanting to care for the kids he already has
  • skipping doc appts, counselor appts.
  • Devaluing your work/ time as the house secretary and making extra work when he fails to keep and you reschedule
  • he doesn't care if he causes you emotional and mental worry/pain about his well being
  • withholds support and nurture in your wanting physical therpay to heal your abs. He lacks concern for your well being in physical health in pregnancy healing or for your mental health in you wanting to look/feel good about yourself in your post pregnancy body.

He says he still loves me and wants to be in this relationship, but like me, he also says he'd stay in the relationship even if he no longer loved me.
Why is it "like me" that both of you are willing to stay with partners you do not love in a loveless relationship? Are you going to be roomies then? Who fuck? And make babies?

Why is he happy to treat you like a sperm recepticle? If flips the other way too -- why are you happy to treat him like the walking sperm donor? Is that kind and responsible to the children?

Never mind "in love" -- is it KIND behavior? Responsible?

Will the children will grow up watching this mess and say "Yah, our parents were roomies who fuck in a loveless relationship. From our model, we have learned how to live without love. Yay us. Our own relationship skills from learning this model are _____? We have been taught being treated poorly for yonks is ok, and ignoring our own health and well being buckets for yonks is ok. So now we have been well groomed to accept abuse in relationships to the nth degree and go lookin' for love in all the wrong places. Much easier prey. Or that it is ok for US to treat other people like this and be abusers. "

I know that he wants a partner to cook, clean, and raise children in exchange for financial stability. and I'm down with that deal.
That's your business, but you sound like you REALLY want is a full and present partner, with romance. WHY would you be willing to have less than what you really want? And be down with a deal like that? Is that tending your emotional/spiritual health buckets well? Your kid's buckets?

but I don't really know if he's all that interested in a romantic relationship. He says he is, but he's been so resistant to counseling, doc appointments, etc..., it's hard to see that.
It's easy to see. He is not interested at this time, hon. All talk no show. It is the WHY he is not interested.

If he is major depressed and showing signs? Talk to your counselor about involuntary commitment steps a spouse could take to get hubby evaluated and dx'd. If you even are willing to be with a depressed partner? You cannot be with an UNTREATED one like this -- even you don't want that! You posted for help!

Work with counselor to prepare you, then tell your husband he has appt with Dr X at Y time, you are driving or you can taxi together. And if he doesn't keep it, you will take intervention steps. No lame "too tired" excuse crap! Enough with the caca!

Or else he just doesn't give a damn because he likes things how they are just using you with minimal price tag.
He just has to sing a song and he gets all his needs met. He doesn't have to act to provide anything much himself. Just the lowest needs -- food, shelter. Walk away! Run! You deserve to feel alive and happy to the core in mind, body, heart, and spirit. Not just "not be dead."

Either way, he isn't giving a damn about you right now, so YOU need to give a damn about you right now. and the kids. All the stronger!

My husband definitely has deep, deep issues with women that go far beyond the gripes I have in our marriage, but I still want to reconcile.
What you WANT may not be what you NEED. Is this husband the healthiest partner person for you and your children that you could have? Would you be healthier in mind, body, heart, spirit without him? The kids?

I'm sorry you are dealing in all this. I do not envy you.

But I am glad you got yourself a counselor to help you sort. I hope things continue to look up for you as you move it along in the right direction --move it forward! You at least are sounding less "stuck." Baby steps!

Keeping it real sometimes is very hard to do. But keep it real here. Keep moving it forward. Be brave.

I will hope for the best in your situation. Hang in there.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-23-2012 at 06:27 PM.
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