i read over my past posts the other day and saw where most of it seems to be so much anxious, whining running back & forth from one person's wishes to another's, with little to no clarity on my own part as to my own feelings and wishes.
have been going back to therapy and doing very well. it came to me recently that this phase of my life has been/is very much about teaching myself that i don't need someone else as a guide; that i can trust my own desires and intuition; my own common sense and experiential wisdom is plenty good enough to make my own decisions; and i can make them and blaze my own trails where needed.
i see where i've often stopped short of standing by decisions i've made and taking steps i've wanted to because of fear of hurting or alienating a loved one.
i see also where i've faked feelings and moved like a zombie through behaviors that i didn't really feel - out of feelings of shame, fear, and guilt.
i've spent enough time alone, both recently and in earlier years, that i have zero problem with it. at this point in my life, i'm more comfortable rolling solo than i am with another person for very long. i sleep alone easily. life is not difficult this way.
i'm just wrapping up reading Heinlein's "Stranger in a Strange Land." great book; recommended reading for anybody, not just potential polys. at one point in the reading, this billboard appeared center stage in my mind:
DROP THE GUILT.
so been trying that for a while. guilt seems to be the gateway to the other two (shame & fear). have been mostly successful at noticing when it arises, and then basically chucking it in the trash - choosing consciously to feel otherwise. it's been a godsend.
one man wants you for himself, and he steps up on his little soapbox when you speak how you feel. he speaks from his own narrowminded view of mainstream "morality." when i try to tell him everything, it's too much. when i tell him as little as he absolutely needs to know, it's too little and you've been withholding or lying. "if you love me, i don't see HOW you can love HIM."
really? then that's YOUR problem.
another says that it's great with him to be friends and have sex, but he draws the line at my sharing physical intimacy with another man, whether or not there is actual penetration. if that comes into the picture, he's got to leave and find another.
okay. then go your way, with my best wishes and love in my heart.
i've been taking what are babysteps for me. i've felt myself, my heart & spirit, opening up to possibilities unthought-of before. but even people who love you and want to share parts of their lives with you can still put too much pressure on you - whether or not they realize it - still to conform to their own ways, their wants. if you are an emotional sponge and a pleaser, like me, this can cause you to put pressure on YOURSELF, which is the LAST thing i've needed lately.
had to stop trying to please anybody else but myself for a while. sure it's selfish - in the healthiest way. it's been really good for me.
good to come back and catch up on some of you.