When I wrote this morning I was all ready to give up. I explained to Mono that what he is going through right now with his retiring from 21 yerars of service in the Navy is akin to him being in quick sand or jumping into a black hole. His crush on the woman is part of it.
I feel sometimes that I am holding his feet as he continues to plunge head first into his own self sabotage because of his military career ending. Sometimes I hold on and have others helping me by supporting me, sometimes he is working on pulling himself out too and sometimes I am not able to hold on and think I should let him go. This morning I was in the letting him go space.
I asked that Mono just do the bare minimum to keep me from throwing in the towel. All I need is a few words everyday or a touch to let me know that he is still with me. I will fight for what we have created if I know he is with me and not ready to leave all we have created.
There is more at stake than just he and I and I will fight for LB and PN's sake also. We have a good thing going all of us and I am not going to let him destroy it with out a fight. I will continue to tell him that he has a responsibility to us, that he will get through this, we will be here all the way and will be here when he leaves his job. We have not changed and he has us to anchor to.
I talked to PN and Brad about it after and asked that they please be patient with me for the next few monthes. I will need help to hold our family together and they can help by listening to me and letting me go to Mono when its necessary. They both agreed to do that. I haven't talked to Derby yet, but told her to read here hoping that at least it will start that conversation.
I feel very clear right now that this is not about his crush. Its a symptom of a larger issue to me at this point. I don't think I had fully felt that before today when the relationship of our onion was peeled and he said he had to think about more than just that. He said that was a part of it all but not the whole and I got it today. Now I have something to sink my teeth into and work towards. I feel strong again and am going to give him everything I have, ... Because I love him more than ever.
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