I'm still being dumb. I guess I can't expect myself to be able to instantly change the way I look at things and be able to just go with the flow while I've come to question a lot of the choices I've made from recently to the last few years.
More and more I find that I love J- a lot, but sometimes I'm not sure that we would be right together. (if that makes sense) Then again I think a lot of the things he does that I don't like I don't like for different reasons than why he does them. A good example of this takes a little explaining, but I need to get this out of my head so I can get my ass to some schoolwork and stop thinking about it...so here goes.
He's not the kind of person to always call you right back (or, subsequently, text you back). He has even told me, if he's busy, he won't respond, if he isn't he will. It's simple, but it doesn't keep me from getting anxiety over not seeing or hearing from him for a few days. This week was a good example of this, and it's the second week in a row it happened this way. J- is busy with school and a third shift job and he doesn't sleep and just had to move back in with his dad. While I talked to him a little Sunday and Monday morning, he was awol from class Monday night and all day Tuesday. As it is the last week of classes, I got really worried, especially since last night was the last official Japanese class this semester, and he wasn't there.
So I texted him, then called him, worried. Since I got dumped right into voicemail I knew that his phone must be dead. And while I didn't fear the worst, I was still a little more concerned. When I got home I sent him a message via skype and then waited to see if I heard back from him. I worried in my typical paranoid depressive manner that he was avoiding me until he messaged me back, laughing, and saying he overslept.
What's stupid is I should have known that. Every time this happens, this is what it is. He's asleep, or busy, or working...that kind of stuff. I am working to try and get out of this habit. My husband is constantly reminding me that it's a byproduct of my condition, but I don't like taking that excuse. Even if that's true, I shouldn't have to live with it. There has to be a way to change it, or learn a better way to cope. And that, ladies and gents, is why I'm going back to counseling again, because I'm sick of feeling like this at the most illogical and most inconvenient times.
I have another problem.
More and more I keep thinking about whether or not I made a mistake getting married when I did. I love my husband, I can't see any reason why I would stop, but I'm wondering if it was the right thing to do. I was supposed to graduate the spring before our wedding and even though I walked and did all of that, I ended up not passing a class and not being able to get my degree. So I took time to get married, work, and just ... i guess...be an adult for a while. Eventually when I started to seriously start to think about going back to school again it always becomes an issue of if my husband could follow me. Can he get a job there, can we afford it...etc.
In retrospect, I often feel like we have just been playing house for the last three years, from the time right before our wedding up until now. My husband has worked a string of dead-end factory jobs during this whole time...and he has a bachelors degree. Even if he has difficulty getting a job in his field (TV production) it still feels wrong that he has the jobs he has had. We barely make ends meet...and we've essentially been in a funk for the last few years.
(ok right now I feel a lot like crying but can't really do that in the student center can we?)
We've talked about this, he knows it. What it comes down to is that I'm going back to school because my first choice of degree was the wrong one and I'm pursuing something I really love and that I could make a solid career off from. But then, here I am...married...25...and something about that makes me feel...constrained. I have to study abroad as a part of the program. My plan is to go next year for two semesters...it's what I want to do. I guess I'm kinda tired of letting myself be limited by my relationships. But I can't keep putting it off. I want to have kids someday, and the longer I wait the harder it will be...so I can't. keep. putting. school. off.
So a serious question I find myself asking ... myself ... is "Why did I get married?"
It breaks my heart that I think about this, but pretending I don't wont solve anything. It just hurts a lot to admit.