Originally Posted by zusammen
...after so much time being with Sax, I inevitably am in a "relationship". I don't want to not be with Sax, nor impose artificial restrictions... Is anyone else in a similar situation? How do you deal with the unintended seriousness that simply comes with time?
I think a good place to start is to look at certain words and what they mean to you, and whether they really apply to your relationship of not. What does "serious" mean? "Relationship?" "Primary?" "Love?" Get clear on separating the fantasies we were taught about relationships while growing up and what relationships really mean to you TODAY, as an adult. What do you want your relationships to be, and to bring you?
I have been with my lover Lively for 14 months now, and I love him to pieces. I know he is very fond of me and I feel he loves me as much as he will allow. Still, our relationship is not SERIOUS in the sense of moving toward living together or making demands of each other's time and energies. We still only see each other once or twice a week, sometimes less often. I've never met anyone else in his life and we don't make assumptions about being together - we check in and see if we're available, and are always respectful of each other's needs outside our relationship. I am 17 years older than he, so I think that also adds a dose of reality about how "serious" we can actually get.
I think that I have not gotten sucked into the trap of "needing" more from him than he can give by just staying aware of my internal dialogues, and not blurting things out right away, but just sitting with my feelings and deconstructing them to know where they are coming from. Many emotions pop up simply in response to thoughts we have, and we human beings think the same thoughts over and over again, so it is easy to manufacture feelings. Oh, believe me, I have daydreams about living with him, but I know where they're coming from, so I don't pay them credence and waste time wrestling with fantasies taught to me at an early age. The key is awareness - get to know yourself and how you think, and you can shed light on lots of things and handle them better by simply seeing what choices you have available NOW, in the present. I hope that makes sense.