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Old 08-21-2012, 11:10 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

I'm not sure I qualify to add anything here, as I was only a secondary briefly (a few months), when I was seeing Burnsy. Well, it was long distance, so most of our relationship was conducted via emails, texts, and phone calls, and I ended it shortly after we spent a weekend together. Mostly, I felt he that had not resolved enough stuff within his marriage, and issues he had with his wife, for us to continue. I wanted to know if he was ready for some kind of commitment to me, and a readiness or desire to "invest" in a relationship with me, even if somewhat casual -- but he couldn't even answer me. At the time, he was trying to wrap his head around the impact on his marriage of his wife having a very steady lover and starting up with a new one, and I don't think he was handling it as well as he pretended to be. It was pretty evident that he was seeking other relationships just to even the score, so I let him go.

I am now developing another LDR with a married poly guy -- which means I would be his secondary -- and I like the vibe I get from him, although I find the sporadic contact hasn't let me really get to know him as much as I would like. So, I am going to make more effort with that. He seems to approach poly in a way that appeals to me. Very loose with not a lot of rules.

I don't like hierarchies myself, and would not set any of my lovers as primary, secondary, etc., but I am okay with being someone else's secondary as long as my own boundaries are respected. I don't have that many. I just don't want to feel like a secondary when I am with a lover - ew, who would?

What is most important to me is that my relationship is allowed to blossom and grow and not be hemmed in by someone outside of the relationship, as in a metamour who is primary. Aside from time constraints, or certain restrictions on how demonstrative we can be in public, which are totally reasonable if a guy is married with a family, no wife or primary partner is going to dictate rules for how I can be in relationship with someone. I just don't want anyone saying what I am "allowed" to do in bed, what I can talk about, what feelings I can express - that's all so silly and petty to me. I figure anyone who wants that much control over their partner and thinks their dynamic shouldn't change at all with the addition of new people just shouldn't even consider poly. Oops, rant over. Another boundary of mine is that I never want to feel like I'm just a whore used for sex. I want a real relationship with someone willing to invest fully in being with me when we're together, even though we may have much time apart. Spend time with me not having sex, get to know me.

I suspect that a lot of problems people have as secondaries could stem from not having clear personal boundaries, and thinking that one must always defer to whatever the primary wants. I want a voice, and believe that a primary also has to respect and consider a secondary's boundaries and then they should all work together to make sure everyone is satisfied with the parameters.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 08-21-2012 at 11:14 PM.
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