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Old 08-21-2012, 09:33 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Quote:
I did try to talk but the answer remained I Dont know for 2 months.
That is possible emotional flooding symptom. Shutting down.

You can google more but to start:

http://www.simplemarriage.net/floodi...-to-start.html
http://portlandrelationshipinstitute...l_Floodin.html

Gotta get a handle on how to deal with emotional flooding in each of you BEFORE you add a new player who can flood or trigger floods (on purpose or not.)

Otherwise you all drown.
Quote:
For the first time in years he asks me how I feel. It took some getting used to. But I kinda like it. He realized he just thought I could handle everything thrown at me and come out ok. But Im not superwoman. And that is a major step.
Quote:
When he showed me he was really willing to bring back the closeness we had.. I started letting go of the walls I placed.
Sounds like you guys have made big changes. That is awesome!

Why not stop and smell the roses a bit and enjoy them a bit before changing up the mixture again? Adding another ups your polymath tiers.

I'm not saying do not Open ever . Just trying to get a sense of why NOW is best time to Open for you? What would a new person add to this wonderful new marriage? What would they take away? Time management and division of labor in the home (now that you JUST got it in better balance!) would change to WHAT?

Quote:
I guess I was just looking for ideas of how not to worry it would happen again. I dont think it will. Just trying to make myself not worry so much.
If you plan to Open, how would you "tricycle" it? So you can still back off safely if one of you gets triggered?

Do you have a framework for how to be in right relationship or help you get back to it?

Is your communication now solved and solid? Has this new communication method been reality tested on something ELSE already? How did it play? (Work crazy thing? School PTA crazy thing? How did you get through the crazy? With grace? Or more of the old?)

Have you covered morethantwo.com and serolynne?

I broke the TMI wall on the old V. We covered past relationships, our relationship. What we could go back in time to change or experience instead. Figure out what we want to look for next. I suck at sharing intimacies. So I deliberately made several dates with friends to reveal private things. Tricycle that with known friends first.

Quote:
And a couple weeks ago he asked me to find myself a bf again. I told him it was something I was afraid of doing because of the fear he will use things against me again. Its very hard for me to open up. So I keep saying I dont know. He finally convinced me to put my Okcupid back up.
Work with DH to decide what your "reality testing" things could be. How long will you be testing before actually Opening? A few weeks seems premature.

Would it be like you let him read this thread about him? Read the OTHER posts on this forum -- Do the what if thing. if this happened to us, how would you be? How would you expect me to be? Can't predict all situations, but the main thing is NOT the question being asked. It is the HOW things get resolved.

On my end? If DH responds / reacts poorly when things are calm when a forum post isn't even really US?

If we Opened? And it is us for real? And he goes from crazy to BALLISTIC?

I'm at fault then. For playing with a known fragile person. He's also at fault for playing and saying he is fine when he isn't. But me? I have to own my side -- and my side is that I let us Open when I KNEW he was not ready.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-21-2012 at 10:40 PM.
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