You are probably right on the avoiding. I did try to talk but the answer remained I Dont know for 2 months. Then I gave up. After that it was pride. And the why should I have to be the one to say something first. That probably did make things worse.
As far as his stress. Believe me I have understood tolerated validated etc. Even he will agree to that. He finally admits to being a lot like his dad and that needs to change. I have always supported him and validated.. Except at that point. Because this was 5 months into 12 hour days 6 day weeks for him. And so I shouldered everything. He was too tired. And when he finally did talk to me he apologized for that. Because he put us last. The best thing that happened was he took 8 months and thought. A LOT. He even apologized to the kids for being a jerk and not making time when he had it. His one day off he was spending being stressed and grumpy. And I was left to explain to the kids he was just tired from working so much. And it was in that 8 months he realized I have always been on the back burner to him. That he always put himself first in everything. And my feelings really didnt matter before. I have always been the stay at home mom, who cooks every meal, cleans the whole house, laundry etc. Im also the one who takes on the odd jobs to pay the dent he racks up because he HAS to have something.
This is where a lot has changed. He took on a 2nd job after our huge blow up. And he paid on his mess up instead of me doing it again. (This is MAJOR to me) He also found this new job. Which is huge as well because for 6 of the 10 years he was at the other place it was miserable for us all and we all dealt with it. Because he was scared of the change. Even though the old job had him completely hating everything. It was a shock to see him finally saying enough was enough.
For the first time in years he asks me how I feel. It took some getting used to. But I kinda like it. He realized he just thought I could handle everything thrown at me and come out ok. But Im not superwoman. And that is a major step.
He has made the attempts to bring us together. And that was because I wasnt. (I admit to it) I told him if he really wanted us to be together he had to stop taking me for granted. He spent years coming home to a hot dinner. House clean, His clothes ironed... No Im not June Cleaver here but I felt that was my job. I wanted him happy. And that horrible 8 months taught us both that we both have to matter. Not just one person. He helps with laundry and cleaning. He cooks on the weekend. Hes also showing our kids who started in stating all the stuff I do is womans work.. was actually work for the whole family. When he showed me he was really willing to bring back the closeness we had.. I started letting go of the walls I placed.
LOL at the clunky emotional skills. I did laugh at that. You are right. He admitted to it as well. He didnt know HOW to apologize. So he actually apologizes more frequently now. I was like.. uhh you apologize like I teach the kids.. Im sorry FOR................. I also make my children say WHY they did it. I was mad because... so I did .... or whatever. Hes learning. But then again he is just like his dad was. So he never was taught. So I forgive him there lol.
We havent let anything just sit since then. If one is having a bad day.. We say it. And why the day is crappy. That way if need be. Go take some quiet time. Because most the time that is whats needed. A hot shower or just lay down for a few.
It doesnt stop the worry of it happening again. But we have been communicating a LOT more in the past 6 months that we have in years..many years. I mean we talked. But not like this.
And yes I need to watch my temper with him. We both have been together since we were 14. (started as very close friends) So we both know each other well enough to push buttons. And that was also what hurt the most when he did that. Was because he knew me well enough to know that would hurt. And during one extremely emotional talk from him.. He even stated he felt like a monster for doing that to me. Because he knew it would hurt and he did it anyway. I forgive him on it. I really dont think he will again. It just bothered me that this is the first time he ever really lied to me about something major. Hell hes lied about purchasing things lol. But that Im used to(He doesnt do this anymore to clarify lol)
I didnt mean to start the thread as how awful things are for us. Because they arent now. He and I are actually closer now. I guess I was just looking for ideas of how not to worry it would happen again. I dont think it will. Just trying to make myself not worry so much.
She is C He is S