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Old 08-21-2012, 08:49 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,317

I'm not blaming either one of you -- I'm just sharing my POV as a stranger looking in...

I just have that fear that something would happen again with hubs. I keep thinking that maybe we didnt talk about it enough before. Maybe there was something we didnt hit upon.
Listen to your gut! Because I do not read a list of what you DID do to address it other than mere talk, and talk is cheap if you don't understand emotional flooding and how to cope. It will happen again.

But basically you BOTH didn't want to be the first to speak to get the clarify and spent 8 long months enduring stupid.

Both sound kinda avoidy to me. Maybe too much pride in both? Both expecting mind reader? Value the need to be "right" rather than the need to be in "right relationship" with your loved one?
He knew he screwed up by lying. And didnt know how to fix it. So he just went day to day hoping I would be less mad and talk to him.
He has clunky emotional skills -- he does not articulate well, and he's avoidy in obvious things. He may not have elegant execution but is he serious? He does not know that when you mess up the thing to do is APOLOGIZE to the person you hurt? If he means he does not know HOW to apologize to YOU -- teach him. "I like to be apologized to like this -- here is steps in a list. Hanging on fridge."

Instead I got madder. Because I felt like he lied to me and it became my fault. And his refusal to speak to me was proof of that in my mind.
And you may have been wronged, but if it goes on a while and you are unsatisfied where things are left? Still waiting for apology that does not come?

Why not call him into account sooner and use "I" statements to go firm but fair and move the thing forward again so you can return to right relationship with each other. Something like....

"I want to call you into account for that thing. Why have I not received an apology? I am left feeling like the whole thing is my fault and I'm being punished. I need to know where we stand. I have the right to clear communication and constructive conflict resolution. I want to set an appointment to discuss this in full sometime this week. You can clarify your position then. What day works for you? I am best Friday, but am willing to negotiate."
Or you would, if you were my partner in my universe. Do you guys have any framework for how to be in right relationship to each other?

I do not understand why you turn his stress into the pissing contest. He reports he has stress. "I feel stressed."

Rather than say "I hear you have stress. Thanks for reporting how you are feeling. What do you need from me? How can I help you, partner, in dealing with your stress management?"

I hear you say "What do you mean YOU have stress? I am the stressed one with X, Y, Z...."

In my universe? You have denied your partner the right to support and nurture. Mr Clunky who does not like to report or share his feelings.... how have you encouraged more emotional sharing and sharpening his reporting skills? By shooting his clunky effort down?

If you needed some support and nurture yourself for you stress issues too? Did you clearly communicate it? Or did you just blew up at him? Were you expecting him to mind reader you? Mr Clunky = Super Mind Reader?

It is different to say "Yes, I hear you are stressed. Me too! Shall we plan out some couple time to destress together then? Or are you thinking this time we create space/time so we destress as individuals in turn? How can we best help each other here to better handle our stress management?"

I think you are right in worrying if he can take it emotionally or not if you Open. And if YOU can take it emotionally if his emotional response is clunky.

What have you guys done besides talk to address your communication areas and its weaknesses?

If you have not already I taking some communication classes would be a wiser investment of time. He can sharpen his clunky tools and feel stronger. You can feel more secure in his skills too and not get clonked again.

If you live in the USA -- county extension offices usually have some relationship skills / life management type classes for couples that are free or low cost. Google your county one.

I hope things improve for you both.

best wishes,

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-21-2012 at 09:06 PM.
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