Its not that Im not excited. I am just afraid that once again I would be treated like crap.
He got the account out of spite. He seemed to think it would make him happier during all the stress he was under..(I still dont understand that one since I was the one at home dealing with kids, activities, doc appt, school, my job.. and his job and stress)
He says he stopped speaking because he didnt know what to say to me. He knew he screwed up by lying. And didnt know how to fix it. So he just went day to day hoping I would be less mad and talk to him. Instead I got madder. Because I felt like he lied to me and it became my fault. And his refusal to speak to me was proof of that in my mind. Of course he said those 8 months were hell on him too. He admits to throwing me away but not knowing how to get me back..
He was angry about a lot of stuff and took it out on me. The sad thing.. the stuff he was angry about.. didnt even have anything to do with me. That has been dealt with.
I think when I said it was time to divorce.. was more a kick in the ass to him. He knew I was serious. I cant live in the same house with someone who refused to speak. We had a scream fest that night. And the next day our 9 year old was taken to the ER which ensued a month of dealing with him. During that time we started working together. And he knew being afraid of change wasnt helping him. He complained about his job all the time. It was keeping his blood pressure pretty high. Hell we couldnt have a decent weekend because of his stress. But he was afraid to change. And honestly.. for him to stop bitching and start doing.. Is a major step lol. He used to be really good with the kids. (like now) But during that 8 months he wasnt a part of our lives. He withdrew out of it. The kids just kinda stayed away. We pretty much did our own thing. And he sat there.
Believe me.. after I asked for the divorce. I yelled a lot. He cried I screamed. He was(and is becoming again) my best friend. I have been friends with him for 20 years. He knows me better than anyone. And he admits to screwing up something major. LIke I told him... I would have gotten over the lie long ago. But when he quit talking.. It just made it worse. And made me feel worse. Because I had to process everything alone. Which you know when you do the problem can get bigger and bigger. Since I snapped(And I really did) Things were rough because I didnt want to believe him. I didnt want to listen.But he sat there and cried as I told him exactly what it did to me. And let him process that. I let out 8 months of frustration. And then I cried. Which I hadnt done in months. Because I became quite numb.
No things werent perfect. I still wouldnt let him touch me. Because to touch you have to trust. He started doing little things. Sending me texts, helping around the house. Leaving me notes. You could see he was trying. I was being the brick wall on it. I was more focused on d. He spent the first week of hubs and I starting to talk, at home injured. So he was my focus. But hubs actually dropped a lot at work to come take us back and forth to doctors. The next few weeks were easier. I finally started to relax and then my brain wouldnt let me. I was still scared of letting myself back out of the box I put myself in. The 9 year old had to have surgery, and 2 days later rushed to ER after passing out from the pain. Sad truth... Having a kid going through something can bring you back together. It was still bumpy but he was there for me to rely on again. It was a slow go for awhile. But things are a lot better with us.
I have no idea why he wants me to find a bf lol. I always thought I was completely messed up because I could never completely choose between by ex and him. I love them both. HAve for 20 years. My ex is just not accepting of a relationship like that. Hubs is ok with it. And wishes the ex would too. He knows I have always struggled.
I told him I wasnt sure about this again because of my fear of going through the crap he did again. He swears it will never happen. And that at first he had a false realization. Which happened after Ex said he couldnt be like this anymore. And I started trying to date. He was super ok with the EX. But wasnt as ok with others. And I understand because the others seemed unwilling to meet him. They just wanted to see if they could get into a married persons pants. It was very pathetic.
I would be willing to try again. Just hate the dating game. And hubs and my relationship is a lot better and honestly.. Im feeling a lot better about everything. I just guess I just have that fear that something would happen again with hubs. I didnt know if anyone else had gone through stuff and able to try again.
I keep thinking that maybe we didnt talk about it enough before. Maybe there was something we didnt hit upon. I dont know. lol So I guess to try again I dont want it getting messed up again. Maybe Im expecting perfection and things to work just so. It helps reading others experiences but I was mainly looking for me this time.
She is C He is S