GalaGirl, I'm going to have to digest this.....
All of what you say is true, yes, but (and believe me, I hate "but"s).....
My relationship pattern(s) have shown me that I tend to be/become the alpha which, unfortunately, has shown the men in my life as eithe being passive-aggressive or they become passive-aggressive over time
That Brains are the biggest turn-on of all for me, (coupled with passive-aggressive behavior) results in some very intense verbal debates which are highly articulate and weave through all kinds of "what if"s (mostly selfish statements on his end, seeking security, or so it seems from my perspective), we get off-track, refocus (my doing normally), and then back at it again....
Round & round, examined from all angles (if he's willing to be that open, I've a slim chance here.... this is how I got the first two DADT agreements)....
I don't believe he's willingly manipulative, honestly I don't
He's just fearful, scared of change....
From his perspective, what we have is perfect, and from the outside it is.....
But inside, one of us, me, I feel broken inside
It took me years to understand, I mean really "get it", I'm not abnormal, having a healthy sex drive is ok, that wanting/asking for attention from my primary, from the one who is supposed to love me most (not saying this is a must from all primaries, just saying he says "love" but I don't feel loved in a way I understand)
Side note: 5 languages of love test
Sent him my results by email, asking he complete as well, restated verbally, so far; not done..... It's a 5 min online test fer crimes sake!!
Back to my point, honest communication
Easier said than done.... Sigh...... But must be none the less.... Double-sigh
Yes, I've food for thought, from all of you
Thank you, really
I know there's another side of this, I mean: an after
I don't know what it will be.... Statistically, my odds probably aren't very good
It'll come down to where we can meet half-way, if he's willing to
Or if I just get lip service again, words forgotten as soon as they're spoken
And should that come to be, well then, I'm going to have to put on my big girl pants and respond to his action, or lack thereof.....
Again, easier said than done
You know, even he agrees love is the purpose of life, the only real reason to exists, love in all it's forms (we've discussed this many times)
But the gap between those words and actually opening up sexually, that's a huge gap for him
Me, lessor so, or so I believe (7 year open relationship tells me this)
Yes, things change, people change, I can't say for certain that I'll always hold the same views I hold now, time changes people.....
But isn't that the point of a life partner?
To explore all of life together, which ever aspects of life you chose to experience?
Sorry, I've more questions than answers....
And I know the answers I seek are within my own four walls
Yet each of you are helping me sort through things, giving me different perspectives, seeing things in a different light, and none of you have anything to gain really by sharing of yourselves with me
I thank you for that, truly, it touches me deeply to receive your guidance, your words of wisdom, trying to help me wade through my emotional deep waters
Thank you, each of you, for being exactly who you are