There's always discussions all around the forum about primaries and secondaries. I believe that most of you readers have already figured out that me and rory don't use those terms. That's because we feel like they don't represent our situation. Now that me and JJ broke up, you would think that something would change in my relationship with rory. But I don't think it will change much. We are planning to see each other about twice a week in Dream City. That was our plan before and it still is. There's no need to change it, because it was originally decided keeping the needs of our relationship in mind. I think that would be a good amount of time even if I was in a mono relationship. In addition of time, I think it comes down to attitude. Rory just wrote about autonomy and that is the thing that makes me feel like I'm not a secondary. Alec doesn't automatically come first, rory makes her decisions based on what everybody (including herself) wants and needs. She lives with Alec and shares finances with him. I don't really see any value statement in that, it just is that way. I know some people define primary and secondary based on those things, but I don't see the point. For me primary means that that person always comes first, the relationship with him/her is more serious, everything that happens will be negotiated with him/her (secondaries can either accept the result or leave) and sometimes he/she even gets to restrict his/her partner's choices. Because that's how I see those terms, I totally don't feel like a secondary.
Me: bi female in my 30's
Partners: Hank, Dahlia and Fay
Metamours: Eddie (Dahlia's long-term partner)
Living with Hank, Dahlia, Eddie and rory (my ex/friend)
Last edited by Mya; 08-21-2012 at 12:58 PM.