The best suggestion I've read is to have a discussion between the 4 of us. I am considering that.
Great. If that is the one that is most doable right now? Go with it!
- Getting all four people in the same room to take the temperature to find out where they are all at now and where they want to go
This is a step in the right direction for setting things right. I commend you.
This rocky polyship of
- Anna other lovers → Anna ↔ Charles ↔ Chris ↔ Chris Husband → His other lover
has been in effect for three years. So check in with all 4 people in the room.
How are they each in their
- mental health?
- Emotional health?
- Physical Health?
- Spiritual Health?
- What are their wants, needs, and limits?
- Are their wants, needs, and limits being heard and honored well?
- Where do they want to be in a year's time?
- Do they need checkpoints more often? Like once a month?
When you ask them to come and meet? Perhaps see if they will come with their wants, needs and limits listed on paper to have things to look at and talk about. That helps get the conversation moving rather than staring at blank paper not knowing what to say.
For you? Take all your posts in your thread. Print it out. Chop it up with scissors and arrange them in the piles to help you see the information you have so far better.
I have only done your original post
to help you get started on making your bullet list. You fill out the rest if you wish.
Good luck with your talk.
- Charles is married for 20 years with Anna.
- Charles had 2 affairs in the past.
- Charles met Chris and they started an affair and feel in love passionately.
- Chris is married with 1 child.
- After a few months, Chris told her husband.
- Anna found phone messages, so Charles also revealed.
- Both spouses were initially angry and threatened to divorce. Each had (retaliation?) affairs
- It is now three years later.
- Anna is deeply hurt by having lost her exclusiveness on me.
- She says she could accept me having other sexual relationships.
- Anna can’t accept me being in love with somebody else.
- She considers her own (extra-marital) relationships as a way of enduring the situation without too much suffering.
- Chris’ husband considers that his own relationship (with other lover) is only a temporary solution.
- He wants Chris back in a “normal” situation, which means a monogamous relationship.
- He says he bears the situation only because he is convinced it won’t last.
CHARLES AND CHRIS
CHARLES WANTS TO KNOW
- We have a passionate relationship
- As we work together, we can meet several times a week.
- We send each other a lot of sms.
- Our marriages are happy (conflicts with things listed above. Get clarification from Anna and Chris Husband on where they really are at NOW.)
- We love our spouse (Anna) and husband (Chris Husband)
- We both decided to find another path than both divorcing to get together. (What? Learn about poly? That sentence is not clear to me. Clarify (not to me) but for your meeting)
- We have somehow succeeded (Details? Again, clarify for your meeting. What IS working is as important as knowing what is NOT working in a polyship. )
- But it has been difficult for us to give up the idea of living together (Who? Just you and Chris? Or all 4 people? Clarify. You cannot ask if it is possible from Anna and Chris Husband if your dream is not clear. They won't know what you are asking them to consider. Letting you guys go, or everyone living together.)
- Do you think that, with time, Anna and Chris’ husband could accept the situation and become happy with it ? (Ask them. )
Chris and I consider our relationship as very strong, with attachment and a notion of engagement.
- Do you think it is possible to have a long-time lasting relation with another person, with that high frequency ? (Are you wanting to legally marry Chris? Or have a poly commitment ceremony? Clarify for meeting.)
Chris and I are both hesitating.
- Have we found a very intelligent way of dealing with our love, allowing us to make it compatible with our weddings? (Do you mean trying for polyamory? That is the intelligent way? Clarify for meeting. How do Anna and Chris Husband feel now that it is 3 years later? Is it compatible to them?)
- Or are we lying to ourselves, because our main couples can only weaken? (Ask the main couples if they feel strong or weak. And in what areas. )
- Or are we missing the main love of both our lives by not being courageous enough, by compromising? (Do you mean not courageous enough to break up with Anna and Chris Husband and move off together? You and Chris sort that one. )
Anna and I are wondering:
- Are we going to have an open marriage? (You and Anna sort that one out.)
- Are we going to lost each other? (Are you both still willing to try? )
- Is it going to make us stronger? (Time will tell?)