Sigh. Unfortunate situation.
In my universe?
All partners would have the...
- Right to Clear communication
He is avoidy, and really so are you. Own it. Spit it out to him! But use "I" language.
I don't want to leave you. I love you. But I cannot be happy to stay here when my wants and needs are not talked about. I want to be happy to stay here. Why don't we talk?
Talk to me about the sex/aging problems. Are you in andropause? How can I help? Can I be included in your sex health and well being doctor search?
Can my sex needs be heard? Can I explore other things with you so my needs are met? Do you not want to be with me any more?
In my universe the partners would have the Right to...
- Expect support from partner
- Be nurtured
- Get your needs met
- Constructive conflict resolution
He is denying you all the above despite your efforts to address the sex problem.
Now there is new problem. You obeyed old DADT agreement and fell in love with secondary. You are tired of being lonely, and living your inner life alone without sharing it with husband. He in your life or moving out of it?
Partners would be RESPONSIBLE FOR
- Knowing and stating your needs, wants and limits
You are shirking this. Spit it out. You already stated all the sex with husband needs, but you are shirking the need to be open about your secondary and the need to revist the DADT agreement. Why?
I am not sure if he's happy with his wants, needs, and limits. He's certainly not talking much.
- Following through on promises
He would be breaking the promise to give you the right to clear communication at the very least.
You are honoring the DADT agreement of the past, but if you find it uncomfortable boundary now, you need to speak up about renegotiating. You are not breaking the DADT, but you are shirking speaking up on it no longer fitting your situation. In my universe? You would give HIM his right to clear communication. Hold up your sticks even if he's shirking his. You try to keep YOUR promises.
- Knowing the polymath tiers in this config
Does not apply in this conflict DIRECTLY, but he has the right to know he has a metamour now. Why are you denying him this? His right to clear communication so he can do his responsibility of understanding the configuration he is in under this polyship. The husband who has a wife and a metamour. (the secondary lover of the wife)
- You are responsible for your own and your partner's health: in mind, heart, body, soul.
You both are shirking. He's not caring for you body health first with the sex needs or even including you in the health problem investigation so at least you know WHY he is not caring for your body or his own.
The penis sex might be resting from medical issues not yet defined, but sexy touching and sexy sexin' in other ways can still happen and he is neglecting his conjugal duty there. You are married. Where ELSE can you go if not him? DADT then. And now the DADT is no longer a fit either. Now what? You Speak your Truth.
Not doing so? This causes you mental and emtional and spiritual ugh.
He is not caring for his own buckets well in being avoidy. He is not caring for yours.
You are not caring for your MENTAL health well in NOT speaking up either. That's starting to hurt you heart and your soul health too.
You seem to be trying to care for his buckets but "caring for" his buckets is not done
via shirking your responsibilities.
- Emergency preparedness
- Caring for your own equipment/stuff
He tried viagra so he tried to deal with it. But he did not include you in process. This denies you clear communication. Not including you also denies you intimacy -- of his body, mind, and heart. He's throwing up walls between you. Are you wife or chopped liver here?
- Telling if keeping a confidence can hurt someone/is hurting someone
You are keeping confidences in obeying DADT when it no longer serves you well. Speak your Truth. To keep that under wraps hurts you, him, and eventually your secondary.
God knows what he's hiding -- he's not giving clear communication. Maybe he is hiding things from himself? Ultimately in shutting down he is hurting himself, his wife, and his marriage. Is he depressed?
I hope that helps you some in sorting. I think you ought to speak up even if he blows a gasket over it initially.
It takes two to play the blame game.
If he blames you?
"Yes. I see that you are upset. I tried to play by the rules I thought we both agreed to.
So now I have to own that I have hurt you by mistake by acting on false information. I am so very sorry I hurt you. I ask for your forgiveness.
And you have to own that you gave me false information by putting a false DADT tool on the table to get my needs met with when you were not going to honor it. Will you own that part ? Are you sorry you hurt me by giving false tools?
So we both did a bad. We are both sorry. Now how do we move forward toward healing? Are we going to have the conversation finally? Do we both still love each other enough to move it forward and want to? I still love you. I still want to try. Do you? "
Hopefully he will calm down and be reasonable in discussion and finally whatever it is with him will come out and you both can move it forward.
Hang in there.