Polyamoury and me
I wrote this and was going to post it on Fetlife but decided I didn't want to post it an open forum where I'm known personally while my thoughts are still not fully formed.
[quote]Polyamoury and me
Hopefully through writing things out I will be able to formalise my thoughts on Poly relationships. I've been reflecting on this for some time because I have been looking to move from London to Boston for personal/financial/work related reasons. While in Boston I realised the BDSM scene out there is largely poly (perhaps as much as 60% of people there) which differs dramatically to the scene in London where roughly 20% would be polyamorous or in some other form of open relationship. I'm trying to figure out my thoughts on polyamoury and formalise these so that it's easier to talk about them with future partners or potential partners.
I hope here to talk as much as possible in generalities. Where I reference specifics it will be issues I have had to think about at some point but lends itself well to this discussion.
I have never been interested in sharing true love around between multiple partners or allowing my partner to do the same. I like the connection I make with someone to be private, special, romantic, kinky and completely open and honest. I couldn't possibly be open and honest with multiple people while keeping a completely private and special bond with each of them. The two are at odds.
I would also really not want to share a partners affections or her intimacy with another man. I know I would get very jealous of the time she spent with him.
I have also never shown much interest in random one night hook ups, for several reasons...
1) I hate condoms and they are rather a necessity for the above to be done safely
2) I like the intimacy that comes with sharing sex with someone you love (or at least someone you feel you are falling in love with). Love and lust are for me very much connected
3) I like the security of knowing you are going to get damn good sex... You know how to please them and they know how to please you
4) Sex is just more relaxed and more fun when it is familiar, I want the girl I am with to be my best friend, my love, my girlfriend, my trophy, my submissive, my play partner and my slut. All mine, all in one girl.
For all the above reasons I would have always described myself as monogomous. However I do recognise that different people can bring different things to a relationship. Where a genuine stable triad is developed I can see that it is perfectly capable of functioning as well as any other relationship but it really does require the right people.
I did once consider such an arrangement precisely because the 2 girls involved brought different things to the table. My ex partner tricked me into getting her pregnant and turned out to be an awful mother, her best mate however was a fantastic mum and a very good influence. I would have been happy entering into a triad there. We played as a threesome once and it only ever went as far as heavy foreplay but I think mechanically we could have worked better as a triad than we did as a couple (not that I believe it would have lasted forever even in that format).
In terms of what I am able to bring to a relationship I could never offer myself as a submissive, if a switchy girlfriend wished to take a male sub I would not be offended provided it remained non amorous and non sexual. Similarly if they required a very masochistic or sadistic person or if they required intimacy with a woman, I would be unable to provide any of these and would not be offended provided it remained non amorous and non sexual.
By the same logic I would also wish for permission to take a rope bunny if my partner was unable to participate (either due to poor circulation, poor flexibility or just a fear of rope). I would not be sexual with such a person and would merely want to tie them up into various positions. I love rope and am just starting to learn to do suspension, I enjoy it very much and would like to continue.
I also recognise that some of the fantasies I have cannot be fulfilled within a truly monogomous relationship. For instance I would really like to double (or even tripple) penetrate a girl. I can imagine being used in every hole at once would induce subspace in many a sub.
Similarly, what guy wouldn't want to be pleased by 2 submissive women at the same time? I would also very much like to be able to force a partner to be bisexual with women of my choosing. It's the act of forcing her to perform such an act which I find most appealing, due to the dominance and humiliation involved. With genuinely bisexual women it takes these aspects out of it.
For all of the above I would only want to enter into this with friends I knew well. I would be happy if love developed in the sense that it is possible to love your best and closest friends, but I would never want to consider true love; the intimate kind which I want with only one person.
So does all the above make me polyamorous? Or just an open minded monogomous individual?
Things are complicated further by the fact that in January I was looking at moving to either the USA, Canada, Australia or New Zealand; I applied for jobs in all of these places (as well as one job in Germany) but ultimately got a job in London. Following a recent sales meeting at my companies head quarters in Boston, MA I have realised it may be easier than ever to make that move.
However how soon I would be able to make such a move is another issue? My boss is unavailable to discuss the matter for 3 weeks, I am still 2 months from completing my probation and I still have 9 months left on the contract for my flatshare. Similarly he may want me to complete this Fiscal year (9 months) or complete the full three stages of my training (2 years), or it may all turn out to be a pipe dream that for whatever reason never happens! I cannot make serious long term plans for my future with so many unknowns.
The week before I flew out to Boston I met a great girl who is extremely beautiful, very intelligent, very driven and successfull, very submissive within the bedroom and absolutely lovely as a person. She has really had a very sudden impact on my life and I could easily fall for her very hard.
However she has just split up with her previous master because he moved away, I don't want to put her through the same trauma again even if it is 2 years or so away. I've been honest with her about this and said that I am looking to move but don't know of a timeframe. I think she respected my honesty and she seemed unbothered by it as she agrees that it's "far too early to make long term plans".
While I was in Boston however I met a really wonderfull girl out there too. Again all the above points apply and we hung out together on the night before I left, nothing happened and nor would it have been appropriate, but I did still have a lovely evening.
In order to truly understand my train of thought here I must explain that I do not believe there is one person out there for each of us. If there were then the shit news for the vast majority of people is you will never find your true love. Bollocks to that! I think we are capable of building relationships with many different people but it requires effort from both parties and also requires a certain amount of luck in order for everything to fall into place.
I would really like permission to continue flirting with this girl. I do not see either girl as being a threat to the other since I would not want a trans-Atlantic long distance relationship and will not choose where I live based on which girls are within each city. Where I live is a decision I will take based on what is best for me as an individual in terms of my finances, my job prospects and my quality of life. I feel like I now have a network of friends in Boston and could make the move without feeling alone. It's also only 6 and a half hours back so I could still see my friends and family twice a year.
I guess in this respect I could be best described as 'situationally polyamorous'. I really do want to ask about whether the girl over here would be ok with this but one of my greatest fears is upsetting the people I care about and I think (albeit we've only been on 3 dates) I do really care about her and like her a lot already. Is the fear of asking greater or the regret in not asking? [quote]