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Old 08-20-2012, 04:22 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,321

Cheating is very wrong, nobody ethical would do that in any citconstances, if my husband cheat once, I divorce at once and destroy everything without a second of hesitation. I bless Anna being more intelligent than that.
Cheating -- well, best not to go there is possible. Having GONE there? Best to own up immediately! Failing to do that? Now it is even harder to move it forward. As you are experiencing.

I'm truly loving two people. So does Chris. This is polyamory. I just wonder if there is a balanced situation which could make us and our spouses happy, despite those bad beginnings.
I do not doubt you love them both. That is not in question. It is HOW you show that love and express it that is less than ideal. Straighten how you express your love up. It's kinda messy there.

I perceive you are hurting, and that this is all Very Hard to Hear. I get that. I am very sorry you hurt. But if you come for honesty and get honesty and are uncomfortable hearing honesty? Best to just own that you are uncomfortable Hearing radical honesty then. (And maybe wonder -- how come people Speaking Their Truth worries you so? Can't you do it too?)

I really do wish you all well. I'm not judging you. I do know what I say may be Very Hard to Hear and you may not be used to that kind of frankness.

It is normal to hesitate over making Big Life Decisions. But don't use that as excuse to lollygag either. Not all choices in life are win or lose. When the choice is "This stinks and this stinks?" The thing to do is pick which one stinks least.

I think in this unfortunate situation, the least stinky choice is to make a decision to be radically honest with yourself and your people.

Understand that even YOU are going through the stages of grief. In your posts I already see the shock/denial stage playing out a bit. We are getting hints at the anger/bargain place too.

I don't really care about HOW you arrived here. Frankly -- I don't know you from adam so how could I claim to care? I'm a stranger!

But I do feel sorry for ALL of you in this sad situation and I feel sorry enough for you all to bother to reply.

So if the goal is to move it forward? Own that you will experience all kinds of things. Including the stages of grief.

Winston Churchill -- "If you are going through hell, keep going!"

Keep it moving forward. Don't set up camp here to LIVE in Limbo hell. Decide and move so you keep hope alive of getting yourself OUT of this mess, and move it closer to happy again. Maybe even chase your dream.

To be clear, you don't help me by saying I had an unethical behavior. I know that, my only issue is what to do next.
Ok. You ask for some kind of map. This is what you want for support. Some ideas or method out of the mess for what to do next.

I describe one possible route, guided by my own ethical code.
  • You can take it as is.
  • You can use it like a template to help you shape it to fit your needs against your own ethical code and thus adapt it to serve you in your own way.
  • Or leave it be because it won't work for your needs after contemplating it. And your needs may include wanting an easier out.
  • Or refuse to consider it, because you aren't ready to own it, or do any work on it yet. That's fine. Just say so: "This is hard! I am not ready to go there yet."
That's about it, dude. I have shared what I can. I can do no further in that area. I'm not a pro counselor.

Stop getting defensive about experiencing the stages of grief. Stop running. Own it. You will feel bad. None of this will feel GREAT! But it will feel less bad and less stinky than the other way. That's more stinky -- to keep stonewalling.

You could just say "I am feeling denial. I am in stage of grief 1." Nobody here would bat an eye. Because you owned it. You are human, and dealing with being a human suffering from the human condition. There.

I'm truly loving two people. So does Chris. This is polyamory. I just wonder if there is a balanced situation which could make us and our spouses happy, despite those bad beginnings.
I am not going to argue that you seek some kind of polyamorous arrangement. You do seem to want that.

What will make all the spouses happy? Well, you have to talk to all the spouses and take the soundings to see what they actually want and need to feel happy. Not guess at it. But ask so you can KNOW.

I don't know how else to be here other than straight up, Charles. You may not be ready to be straight up. No skin off my nose. I'm some internet stranger. But think of how that affects you and your loved ones. Lack of straight up honesty and frankness.

If you want to take a more passive role and let things unfold as they may as other people make their choices? So YOU don't have to take any responsibility for leadership? That's one way to go. From this community? Sit back and sit tight then, and ask for support/company in your long process. From your polypeeps? Do them the courtesy of clear communication and honestly announce to them "I want to be passive and sit back and let you all sort it out so I don't have to take responsibility for leadership."

If you want to take a more active role and pursue your happiness, and lead the foray to the next chapter in this story? That's another way to go. From this community? Sit back and sit tight then, and ask for support/company in your long process.From your polypeeps? Do them the courtesy of clear communications and honestly announce to them "This is what I want. Here's a possible plan to get there. Any takers on this mission? Who is with me? Got input of your own for the plan? Bring it on!" Decide you want to chase your dream and choose to lead the way.

Really it is on you to decide -- you want a passive role here in your destiny? Or an active role? Then just get on with that. Make up your mind and do what needs doing in a radically honest way.

I'm hoping you decide to chase that Poly V dream and do the work that needs doing.

So ask them, then tell them you want an answer in 30 days so all of you can move on to the next step. Whatever that is to be. Take 60 days if you need. But put a time limit. Who is in for the poly V dream? Who is out?

You all cannot spend your whole lives in this limbo. So a decision must be made, and if NOBODY can agree and decide, that speaks for itself. It's not gonna be a runner no matter what. Time to honestly digest that then.

best wishes,


Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-20-2012 at 07:55 PM.
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