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Old 08-20-2012, 02:14 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 921

Originally Posted by charlesgarnier View Post
I know some would divorce and throw up a wonderful marriage and a family for one single cheating, Anna and I are not this kind of person, I am rather proud of that.
Anna is not that kind of person, and possibly for the very practical reasons GG has named. "One single cheating" is the kind of dismissive thing that leaves me feeling you don't really own up to the seriousness of this. "One single cheating" is not a little thing, this isn't like a kid growing up who has multiple chances to learn, and, oops, one little dish got broken, no biggie. Cheating, to the one who was cheated on, is devastating. The lying that almost invariably goes with it messes with the mind. It's called gaslighting. It leaves the cheat-ee questioning their own mental stability at times as they try to match up what they see with the words of one they trust to tell them the truth.

"One single cheating" often leaves the cheat-ee questioning their self-worth, and deep in depression and self-loathing and hatred as they see how blatantly they could be disregarded and disrespected and lied to even by the one person who is supposed to love and cherish them most in the world.

I think among the steps you need to take IF YOU REALLY WANT SOMETHING SOLID TO DO TO HELP THIS MARRIAGE is take the time to really GET how it feels to be cheated on, the very depths to which it can take the cheat-ee. As long as you regard it as 'one single cheating,' you will not fully grasp what Anna is going through, and that means you will never be able to offer her the genuine remorse people need to fully recover from being cheated on and lied to.

I think you don't understand how strongly I fell in love with Chris. .... I think you don't understand how strongly I love Anna.
See, again, this is the kind of thing that leads me to feel you don't necessarily want to hear what's being said here. You're making excuses. Do you really think that no one on this board understands how powerful love and passion can be? Do you really believe that old fairy tale that this is so powerful that no one but you and Anna/you and Chris have ever experienced it? That somehow the force of those feelings, which have never before occurred to anyone in thousands of years of history of mankind, give you the right to behave differently from normal ethical standards?

I could have quit Chris. I would have lived the rest of my life thinking perhaps I had lost the love of my life. I think Anna and Chris' husband understood that and don't think it is easy rebuilding a happy marriage on a background of a frustrated passion. I would have had the same reasonment the same for Anna.
And once again, what I see in your statements is all about how this is affecting you, your great passion, your great dilemma, your great desire to have both women, your great love story that would eclipse anything ever seen on the silver screen.

I think the situation will never really be resolved until you develop more empathy for everyone around you and start realizing that ethical people are not ruled by their passions; they govern themselves by a code of behavior that does not change because they feel something really, really strong; they govern themselves by a code of behavior strongly influenced by empathy for how their behavior affects others, which is exactly why many of us here would not in fact cheat on our spouses, no matter how passionate we feel about someone else.

Last edited by WhatHappened; 08-20-2012 at 02:18 PM.
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