I hear your side of the story. But I do not see Anna or Chris or Chris Husband on here to share their side. We only hear YOUR PERCEPTION of their side.
I get that you feel strongly about both. I get that you are all suffering.
You don't seem to get that what you THINK they feel or say to you -- may not be entire truthiness any more because they are damaged people. You seem happier thinking all is rosier than it very well may be. So be it. You travel blind then.
To be clear, you don't help me by saying I had an unethical behavior. I know that, my only issue is what to do next.
It is hard to give you advice, because you do not state what you WANT in clear terms.
You seem to want absolution. Nobody can give you that. Not even Anna. You just have to bear it and let it fade down in time to a tolerable level.
You seem to WANT an ethical polyship with Anna and Chris in some kind of "V" with the husband's ok. But you hardly mention him so who knows if you even want him in the picture somewhere.
If this is what you want? Then you just ask them all if they can give it.
I am not getting clearly that this conversation has happened. If it hasn't -- get on with it then!
1) You apologize AND make amends for the mess making. (You witter, but do not clearly state -- YES! I have apologized to Anna! I am making ammends by ....)
2) You GIVE (not merely offer) Anna a full half of funds in her name to make SURE she is speaking freely when she decides to stay in it or not. If nothing else, if you love her as much as you say you do? You ensure she is protected financially -- even from YOU! (You witter about her being fine materially -- but you do not clearly state -- YES! She has half of all our stuff in her name only! She could leave me any time she wants with her checkbook!)
3) You ask ALL FOUR if they can enter into ethical polyship with you. So the ladies are in a relationship with you in a "V" configuration and the husband is your metamour. (You witter, but you do not clearly state -- YES! We have had this conversation to take everyone's temperature on that possibility. The results of the conversation are : Charles wants yes. Anna wants... Chris wants.... Chris Husband wants...)
4) If one or all say NO, then you have to do the honorable, ethical thing and break up. Either into the 2 original marriages or 4 singles. END the previous contracts with all these people in as good a way possible in the circumstances.
Then if some of you want to start OVER together, it is from a clean place with a new contract.
(You witter, and seem to be unhappy thinking this may have to be on the table -- a full break up. Get over it. It is on the table if you wish to be ethical. If you do not
wish to be ethical, CLEARLY STATE SO. )
4)If yes, all are willing... Then you get a counselor to help you sort out what your rights and responsibilities to each other will be in the new framework so everyone's needs are met for mental health safety, emotional health safety, physical health safety, and spiritual health safety. What are your agreements for how to treat each other so you are in right relationship to one another and not damaging each other any more now or in future?
You need a pro because you guys are no good at creating your own agreements and keeping to them. There are also seriously hurt feelings, hurt people, and things that need airing out and processing -- that requires a pro. You will all go through the stages of grief
and that needs to be addressed appropriately so you are not hurling hurts at each other and digging yourselves deeper into the hole. That neutral, objective professional is not you even if you were a counselor by trade. Own this, and get counselor(s).
4) You ask ALL FOUR for the wants, needs, and limits in such an arrangement. Speak up now, clearly, from the heart. Everyone has the right to clear communication and for this to ever work despite all this mess -- people have to start Speaking Their Truth. If even at a whisper. SPIT IT OUT. If all want an ethical polyship, then you all spend time learning about poly. www.morethantwo.com
are free places online to start. Get the books and other resources you need on ethical poly, love theory, communication skills, relationship kills, and all the rest that you may need.
5) If other professionals are required get them -- bankers, lawyers, babysitters, a yard guy. Whoever you need in your transition time of "Married Cheating Partners and Their Sad Spouses ----> A happy polyship of 4 people in a "V" arrangement."
To help you draw up agreements, papers, keep the kids or tend the homes to create the TIME you need to be a foursome working toward the common goal of a happier, more harmonious polyship. Time will not fall out of the sky. You will have to MAKE THE TIME.
I would strongly suggest you ALL maintain 4 separate income tracks. Lumping everything together at this stage in a rocky polyship is infinitely FOOLISH. Everyone should have their income track so if they have to walk away -- THEY CAN WALK IMMEDIATELY. Even YOU don't need Anna flipping a gasket and taking all your shared stuff you hold jointly and leaving you homeless.
Everyone have their own separate. That goes a long way to easing some of the mental health strain of Maslow's needs
on the most bottom level -- the physiological needs of food, water, shelter.
You guys hit rock bottom and need to climb back up.
6) You try the new Experiment on for a Time. A year? Don't leave it open. Pick a time limit for the Experiment to run all can agree to. Shake out the bugs and see if this is going to be a long term runner or not.
7) At the end of a year, you re-evaluate where you are all at. Who is still in? Who needs out?
There. A possible map. It's pretty clear to me what needs doing if this is what you really want.
So get on with it, man!
Be ethical, set things to right, learn to be a man of your word. Talk to your people!