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Old 08-20-2012, 12:34 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 926

Originally Posted by charlesgarnier View Post
First of all, I have not decided one day to become poly. I was (and so was my mistress) mono. I didnít exclude sexual relationship with other women (it occurred once), but, as my marriage was happy and I loved my wife, I didnít even think I could fall in love with a third person.
What are you saying here, that you've had sex outside of your marriage prior to Anna?

To be sincere, I donít think that when there is cheating, the cheater is solely guilty. And if I concealed the truth, it was partly to preserve Anna from being taken in the tornado when I didnít know where I was myself.
Most people are not going to buy the "I cheated and then lied to her about it to protect her, what a great guy am I," routine.

I am still not convinced I should have dump the problem I have created on her, without trying to treat it myself.
You didn't dump it on her. You got caught.

I told Anna once that I would quit Chris, as she was too much suffering. She told me not to do so, which was demonstrating true love. She donít ask me to quit Chris, neither Chrisís husband ask her to quit him. They understand that would not be a good solution.
Going by the other things you've said, I'd guess that if she really told you to continue seeing your mistress, that there's more to the story. I, for example, got to the point with my ex-husband's lies, that I would have told him to go right ahead and continue what he was doing, because at least that way I knew, because I could guarantee he'd continue doing something behind my back anyway. I can see myself saying such a thing in those days, but not because it was perfectly okay.

Chrisís husband and Anna are not happy, but they are not unhappy. If they were really unhappy, they would divorce, wouldnít they?
As GalaGirl said, there are lots of reasons people remain married, other than that they're deliriously happy living with a cheater who lies to them. (Hard to believe, but true--I can assure you I stayed a long time with a lying cheater for exactly the reasons GG mentioned.

I canít quit neither Anna nor Chris. They are as my two arms, I canít imagine cutting one.
Aww, that's really beautiful and poetic. That's so sweet.

It's also a load of bullcrap.

Yes, you can quit one of them.

It would be simple if I could quit Chris, because they would be a clear basis. But I canít.
Excuse me repeating myself, but yes you can. We are in control of our actions.

Neither Chris nor I have decided to be passionately in love with each other. We try to deal with it.
I think I misread this the first time. You don't mean it's lukewarm you're pulling the old, "We can't help ourselves, we never decided to be in lurve, we're victims of an unstoppable tide of passion," aren't you?

You know, we all make choices in life. I'm quite capable of being very much in love with someone and yet choosing not to call him, not to get in the car and drive somewhere to meet him, not to take off my clothes with him, not to have sex with him. I can choose to go to a movie with a female friend, to clean my kitchen, to remind myself that sending special texts and trading kisses and having sex with a married man behind his wife's back is very, very hurtful to another woman, to another human being, to his children if he has any, to his marriage. I can choose to walk by his desk at work and ignore him.

Need I go on?

We have control. We choose our actions. GalaGirl's post, maybe a dozen or three dozen times a day. It can only help.
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