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Old 08-19-2012, 11:19 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4,743

Sigh. How is your spiritual health in all this? Seek counseling please. A doctor, minister -- whatever and whoever it is that can help you get back in right relationship with YOURSELF and then your WIFE. You sound all kinds of messed up, dude.

Take a stand on the side of DOING RIGHT. Stop being so... nambypamby. It does not suit you. It does not flatter you.

You may not want to Hear what I write below. It is hard and straight up. Do with it what you will.

To be sincere, I don’t think that when there is cheating, the cheater is solely guilty.
No. Your cheating partner has aided you to cheat. It takes two to tango.
And if I concealed the truth, it was partly to preserve Anna from being taken in the tornado when I didn’t know where I was myself.
No. It was to not have to deal with being honest to your wife from the get go. Let's call it what it is. Too late now for more BS.

If you wanted to preserve your wife from pain, you would not cheat. You would tell her you wanted another lover before you opened your pants. And get her blessing first. But that was too hard for you. And you wanted your jollies. So off you went for the third time into extramarital affairs.

I am still not convinced I should have dump the problem I have created on her, without trying to treat it myself.
You are doing lies of omission by holding back information that affects Anna. Is this a good way to treat a person you "love" in your ethical code? You are messed up. You wanted to solve it on your own so you could alleviate your guilt in having done it to begin with and/or to avoid feeling yucky if Anna should find out.

When she learnt the truth, I was able to say I wanted to stay with her, and I think that’s more easy to hear than somebody dealing with a growing passion and not knowing where it will go.
And you continue to lie. After she learns the truth, months later, after enduring TWO OTHER AFFAIRS OF YOURS IN THE PAST... you take the easy platitude? "Oh, I still want to stay with you, honey! I love you!"

You could have said "I do not know where this is going. I am confused. We probably need a marriage counselor." That is more honest. Even "I want to sleep around and I want you around to do my laundry" is more honest.

Saying "I love you, I want to stay with you!" when you go off into affairs and do not stay and exhibit less than loving behavior by cheating and lying? What is THAT?

Second scratch : I waited several month to tell the truth and I was “helped” by an event, even if could have continue to hide the situation.
But after my confession, I didn’t even try to find excuses. I apologized to my wife. Of course, I would not have opposed a divorce. From this point, there is no more cheating. Everybody tell the truth to everybody.
You do not sound like you confessed. Sounds like you were caught.

I would not be inclined to believe you, given your affairs record that there would not be more cheating and it would be truth from here on out. You have not been a person of your word.

And you did not mention HOW Anna is to get a divorce from you. Do you share equal finances? You do not mention this. Saying you would not oppose a divorce is not seeking a lawyer to draw up papers that puts all common property half and half equally. Deeds, not creeds. Because your word, sir, is not worth much right now.

I hope you are at least doing your share of chores around the house, making your own meals, and doing your own laundry and being a GOOD ROOMMATE. Because you have not been a good husband.

I told Anna once that I would quit Chris, as she was too much suffering. She told me not to do so, which was demonstrating true love. She don’t ask me to quit Chris, neither Chris’s husband ask her to quit him. They understand that would not be a good solution.
Or they are in shock still. Emotional flooding making them numb and/or depressed/not care about anything. Or figure once a cheater, always a cheater. Why bother to hope?

Chris’s husband and Anna are not happy, but they are not unhappy. If they were really unhappy, they would divorce, wouldn’t they?
Sounds like shock/gone numb to me. That can be depression. Have you taken your wife to the doctor? Are you actually looking out for her or just expecting her to lump it here?

You just state they are NOT HAPPY. Being able to leave and divorce well is DIFFERENT than being happy.

There's finances, child custody -- a lot to disband. Sometimes people stay in unhappy marriages for a while because they are just stuck there for now. I do not know what Anna does for a living or if she's a stay-at-home mom. But if she makes less than you or makes NO income at all because she always worked in the home in this partnership? Her career skills aren't super sharp so she can get a new job asap? That pays well enough to set her up in her new post divorce life?

Ah. Well. Her choices then are put up with YOU the cheating spouse and have familiar roof over her head at the standard of living she's used to. Or move to a hinky apartment struggling to get a job and all that. Or some strange women's shelter if you are a dick about the divorce and play "starve the wife" and draw out the process to drain her meager funding. Welcome to reality. Sure -- stay with the mistress and get sex over there. Cuz wife don't want none from you! Ew.

Given that you cheated before -- do you ever wonder WHY she stays? Is it easier to tell yourself she truly loves you than to tell yourself you are not playing fair?

I don't want to know the details of your marriage or personal life. But consider -- IS your shared wealth half in Anna's name already? If it isn't then it isn't actually a level playing field financially is it? There is no denying that that plays into how a person would respond to all this crap. It matters. People want to know where their next meal is coming from.

Make it so. See a lawyer, banker, whatever. Transfer the funds so it is half and half. Make it so she is truly free to speak without hardship and free to walk if she wants to walk away.

Then ask her if she wants to still stick around to make it work. Still be in this marriage. HONESTLY. From equal footing.

If you playground that in your head and come to realize she might actually choose to LEAVE? That is the price you pay for having been dishonest.

If she wants to stay ANYWAY? When she is truly free to go? That's a whole lot different than staying because she isn't free to go.

Mere staying does not mean she is happy staying. And her mere staying does not mean she's not unhappy.

Set the woman truly free and THEN ask her to stay. You and your mistress are being emotionally and mentally cruel to these spouses.

If Anna is having a payback affair? Or seeking to leave you through the support of another man so she doesn't have to linger in Divorcee Poverty? Good on her. You have given her very little to work with that is CLEAN.

Neither Chris nor I have decided to be passionately in love with each other. We try to deal with it.
Damn. After all THAT? Sheesh! How insulting to the wife. Make wife's life hell over a lukewarm affair? And you still won't break it off with the Mistress?

I think you all sound shirky. Nobody wants to own anything here. I don't blame the victim spouses who have been thrust into numbness by wayward spouses. But you and Chris are behaving very, very poorly.

What a mess. Sigh. I hope you can man up and find your way and get back into right relationship with all your people as you should be and become a man of his word one day.

best wishes,


Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-20-2012 at 12:10 AM.
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