If this is how it really is? This is not a difficult situation. It might be hard to feel or think about. But you, sir, are being treated less than fairly here in this relationship. Ask her point blank -- are you being phased out? Or are we gonna play real ball here? In HONEST polyship?
Your past to present date? Less than ethical/honest and not treating people lovingly:
- we broke up earlier this year because she wanted to be with a girl & she didn't wanna waste her youth being "tied down" as she put it, even though she loves me. (Nice way to talk to someone you "love." Be nicer to break up and say she's fallen out of love with you than call you her ball and chain!)
- we still shared a bed, still had sex, the only difference was that she had a new girlfriend. we were still together behind this new girlfriend's back. (Why are you participating in dishonest? Where are YOUR ethics and self respect? Treating her GF like a person here, or like a thing? Treating you like a roomie thing/booty call that pays bills?)
- then she broke up with this girlfriend because they had different ideals, but she made a point to tell me that it didn't mean we were exclusive again. (Treating you as less than a person here? More like a thing again?)
- she ended up wanting to get back together with this girl, but this time everything was more honest. (Really? What happened to mismatch ideals? And I fail to see honesty and kindness shining bright yet. If this is the GOAL -- get to IT!)
Look at what you write:
- She wants you to remain mono and exclusive to her, because that is what is easiest for her to feel and deal with. (Fresh!)
- She is not listening to you and your needs for attention/time AND she does not want to Open the relationship all the way so YOU can have another partner. It is one thing if you choose not to exercise your option. Not to have the option at all because that suits her better?(Fresh!)
- She is holding you emotionally hostage -- from seeking another partner which you seem to want. Because she's gonna dump you before you can dump her. THIS is a valid expression of her loving you so much? (WTH?)
- You signing up for a contract that only she gets to write because...? (WTH?)
- You can choose to stay -- without any change of terms.
- You can choose ask for re-negotiation of terms so your needs are taken more into consideration. And if she refuses to work with you?
- You can choose to leave.
From her POV? She's got it made. Gets her BF and her GF, and doesn't have to do any yucky feelings or process her baggage or grow in any way. And she doesn't have to deal in your feelings/needs too much or be expected to be honest or be held accountable for her squicky behavior. Squick on all she wants consequence free.
And with all this background -- did she cheat on you
too? Somewhere in the line? So now you struggle with jealous/weird -- more so than in a newbie but honest polyship because of the cheater/dishonest biz here.
This is fun for you? No. You are not getting what you need.
You guys have some ethics there to clean up for this to work. It CAN work if all are on the same page and committed to moving it forward. But are they?
And again... you might be ok with polyamory. But are you ok with polyamory with HER?
We could chalk up some mistakes to poly newbie. Lack of framework. Fine. But are you all gonna play HONEST ball or not?