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Old 08-19-2012, 07:32 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,213
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I third. I apologize if this is Hard to Hear. But you asked, so...

You are putting spouses through hell from your own selfish-osity! If you really love them, why aren't you setting them free? Rather than making then endure this? Like emotional hostages. Ugh.

I don't know what your mistress will do about her husband. I do not know why you are content to be in relationship with a known cheater. That's a whole OTHER can of worms you have to come to terms with in your Soul. I do not envy you this.

But I will assume positive intent here -- that in posting about your situation you are seeking advice for what to do about YOUR WIFE and how to do right by her and get back into right relationship to her.

I would talk to her and apologize for the crap. You made a vow to your wife FIRST. So finish that contract with her first. Tie up loose ends and stop letting them dangle!

Tell Wife you are sorry you broke the contract. Tell her you have stopped contact with the Mistress for the next 30 days to create Safe Emotional Space for just you and the Wife to determine what is next. (Tell Mistress you what you are trying to do.)

If you find you love your wife and want to make it work there, accept it may come at the price of your Mistress.
If you find you do not want to live without the Mistress, state this to the Wife. Accept that it may come at the price of your Wife.
If you find neither wants anything to do with you any more -- accept that your unethical behavior has earned you this and it came at a price of both gone.

Sit and think what you WANT to have and say it. NOW. Up front! Like you should have from the start -- HONEST! Get in right relationship to YOURSELF first, then get in right relationship to the Wife. If you cannot live with mistress, don't put wife in that position again -- where you will be tempted to cheat on her again. Just set her free and be HONEST. Do not make new promises you cannot keep.

Wife might decide to try honest poly with you, but NOT with the Mistress in the picture. Then what?
Wife might decide she wants NOTHING poly. Then what?
Wife might decide she's over you. And wants no part of you? Then what?

Face your realities for once. Get a counselor on the horn if you need one to navigate this hard conversation. But it must be had. Stop putting it off.

Then ask the Hard Questions:

Quote:
Do you even want to be with me after I was so awful to you breaking our contract?
Can you ever see this working out so I can be with you both?

If not, I accept I was a downright fool and a cheater, and the price is losing you. I set you free.

If you want a divorce, I will not contest and we can call a mediator so we can split up as amicably as possible so I can help you start your new life on solid footing. I do want to help. If you let me I still want to be your friend.

If you still want to be together and could see yourself in a place where you could accept an HONEST polyamorous situation, please tell me your wants, needs, and limits. We can get a counselor to help us. I will do my best to regain and uphold your trust this time and not fuck up again. If I do, what would your consequences be? Let's make a new contract that considers BOTH of us and try to begin with a clean slate.

I beg you for forgiveness and the opportunity to make amends in some way -- either in a clean divorce where we can part as friends. Or a clean new contract where we can be in harmonious polyship. But I understand if you do not want to grant either. You do not have to. I have earned this through my foolish behavior. I will own it. I do not deserve a clean anything when I was so dirty to you.

But if the only ethical answer is now facing a messy divorce, then I own I have brought this down on us. I am so sorry. I've been a bad husband to you. I feel sorrow and regret. It will haunt me forever.

But we must move it forward. After doing this to you and us with my thoughtlessness? I cannot ask you to give up your future life and future happiness on my foolishness. I must set you free to decide what it is to be.

Will you think over 30 days and then give me an answer?
And if she goes ballistic -- suck it up. For 30 days. Then do the right thing at last. Whatever it is you and she decide to do TOGETHER that is best -- even if the best is dissolve the marriage.

You don't have to suck up abuse -- but dude. This is your wife and you caused her great pain. Sucking it up and letting her have space emotional space to rant and rave and process for a mere 30 days? And waiting patiently for her to clear out any emotional flooding and make a huge life decision? Her final answer on this double jeopardy question?

You get off light. If you were married to me you would have been out the door at the onset. That's a 1 strike lie of omission in my universe! She's probably kinder than me. Sigh.

I hope you all find peace and reach a better place. This is just shit. Get a shovel, start moving it out. None of you deserves to live in shit. But only you all can clean it up.

I feel sorry for you and your wife. I hope you all have learned something in this disaster and can move it forward toward becoming your better, ethical selves. Get back in right relationship with your wife -- be it trying to rebuild the marriage (as an ETHICAL monoship or ETHICAL polyship) or trying to move through a clean divorce.

But move it forward for god's sake. Enough with the caca!

Good Luck.
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-19-2012 at 08:05 PM.
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