Originally Posted by mostlyclueless
A couple clarifying points...
In terms of the limits, I know my list was ambiguous, I don't think it really makes sense to come up with a list a priori. It seems to me these decisions have to be made on a case by case basis, you know?
Somebody has probably said this by now but...no, making decisions on a case by case basis has a greater chance of you being seen as coming up with reasons to veto an individual. If you find reasons, especially different ones, to say no to a few different people, it will seem like you always say no, even if
your reasons are perfectly valid to you and the majority of the world.
The agreements we have are a firm list, if one of us wants to date somebody who falls outside those parameters (co-workers, people who have no poly/open experience , people under a certain age range), then its up to us to say "I know this is on the list of off limits things/things that you're not comfortable with, can we negotiate this? It's perfectly fine to say no to that, but at least it keeps us aware of what the other person isn't OK with, and keeps us from getting too interested in somebody before making sure to check in.
I'll say there was a lot of discomfort on both our parts early on where we had vague agreements about what we weren't comfortable with (because we didn't want to be seen as telling each other what to do) so of course each of us were interested in people that highly stressed each other due to factors we hadn't pinned down.