Welcome to the forum. I hope that you find this is useful resource as you try to sort out your thoughts.
While not into BDSM myself, I have a few friends who are solidly into it, and the bond that kink develops between folks is quite unique - for some it's purely about the BDSM, and has nothing to do with sex or love. For others, it's purely sexual, and for still others an unusual (to non-kink folk) bond like love forms between the participants. I think it's this last one that can cause some serious questions to arise, especially when the kink is done with someone who is not otherwise your partner. For some, this doesn't in any put a stressor on monogamy, for others it either creates a grey area, or it blows it apart.
Is this something like the questions that you are facing, or is it clearer-cut than that?
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
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