Thread: Breaking up
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Old 08-19-2012, 03:17 PM
ParadigmCrime ParadigmCrime is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Default Breaking up

Brief history. 10 yrs ago I was a commited non-relationship person. They just never worked for me. At the same time, met an awesome woman through a friend (who had a sexual relationship with her). We started off as friends, and eventually 8-9 yrs ago sorta became a regular in eachothers little black book. This woman was also a non-relationship person, we had friends, and we had sex. Well over the years, no matter how hard we both didnt want it, we started feeling more. Both of us ignored this for quiet a while.. time moved on, I met other people, and then one day it hit me, I realized I loved this other FWB, and I loved her. Not just friends, but I was like holy hell how do I, Ms. nonrelationship person LOVE two people at once? Well I always knew about polyamory, so I accepted much to my resistance, that yes... I can love, and be in love, not only that, but with multipul people.

Time moves on, and so do lives. The second person moved on.. but I kept seeing this woman. Sort of the same FWB, but we both realized and talked alot more openly about love. Well My life took me other places, and people... I eventually came to settle on a good place in life, and things were working for me where I have moved. I started thinking of getting some acres & a house. not nessesarly with said person. She lived far off. Well, 2-3 yrs ago, she was visiting, and telling me things are not working for her where she lives, and if she could move here with me. I got scared, nervious and at the same time curious. I said let me think about it. 24 hours later, I told her, lets try it. It was new for both of us, to live with a lover. In the process of her moving here, My goal of finding a house, came to fruit. So, we moved into -my- house (this has always been clear) that I just bought. She started trying to make her way here, finding work, going to school. Whatever it takes ya know.

For the most part, she made progress in school. Currently thats all her life... and really this is the problem. Its her only life, NOTHING else here is working or her. She has no friends, she doesnt meet any other lovers, the ruralness of it doesnt work for her, the weather is too extream (very long winters at 8500 ft)... its slowly been picking at her, and her attitude has just become real real fucking shitty over the past year.. She takes it out on me, or our 'friend' who lives here (in a way, a lover, but thats pretty fresh with me, although they do have a much longer history). Our poor friend, she asked if someone could come live with us.... me trying to envision my dream of this house, as giving people a chance, to find themselves, and do something with her life.. I said sure... sure enough, me and him hit it off, although thats more of just a play friend currently... I wouldnt say this is interfering at all... because this drama with her has been going on long before he got here. Now all she can do is pick fights with people... all the time constantly in a bad mood. NEVER can have fun or smile.. really really taxing. taxing as all hell... however I always try and just deal with it.. but the straw the broke the back.... is when we have all gone out with friends, or out into the city, to have fun... Everthhing to her just SUCKS, its just stupid, and she proceeds to drink, and then its exasperated to the extream.

We all went out last weekend with some new friends (something that has been bugging us... is not meeting new people)...I knew it was gonna be bad when she started drinking... i mean I just know her, but I also know the place shes in life... well that was it... I CANT TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS SHIT FUCK ATTITUDE. we all made it home.. no feelings were hurt with my new friends, and she was passed out drunk on the couch..

I dont want to be one of those people who says things, then doesnt do them.. I had told our friend (who lives here).. I need to break up with. So the next morning, we sat in the sun, and had a big talk.

There was no aruging, no yelling, not much crying... basically we talked about where her life is going... and the truth here is something I already knew, I just got her to see what was going on. Stuff just aint working for her here.. its not our love.. our love is still strong... but her life isnt going anywhere. All she has is school, no friends, no other lovers, no activities she likes, she hates the winters... nothing..

and I said.. You cant stay here just because you love me. Your life needs to grow, and develope in a place that is working for you;... if its not here, love is not enough. It just isnt ya know.. it doesnt matter how much you love eachother.. self progress is important, not only that, but growing spiritually mentally or whatever in the same VIBE as your partner(s)... So... I am not so cold as to fuck up the one thing going for her... her schooling.. Shes going to finish up this semester.. I told her she needs to evaluate where she needs to go in life... She didnt want to really admit it, but we both know... its not here... no matter how much we love eachother. In the mean time I had to tell her something, that was hard, especially hard on her....

I gotta step back. Even while she lives here. I cant live a delusion, and in all honesty I dont find her attractive when shes behaving this way. Im tired of her shit fuck attiitude about everything, and how I cant take her out anywhere, because it always ends in a mess. Doesnt matter if we go hiking, dancing, or whatever.

We all have our own bedrooms, so its not like anyones out on the couch. Its still hard though... I told her I can hold her and help her through tough shit... but for my sake, to not fall into delusion I got to step back from the relationship. We sorta went through this 6 months ago.. and set a 'reevaluation' time... and of course, because I didnt step back... when it was time to reevaluate... we were in a particularly good state for a couple weeks. Of course, the good weeks have been far less then the bad months, Ill tell you that.

Ive never in my life broken up with anyone. Prior to being poly, I didnt have relationships of meaning, and prior to that I played only a little in monagamy.. In those relationships, I was always the person who got dumped. In the back of my mind this whole past year, I was hoping she was realize all this on her own, and dump me, because my little bit of experience I know how to deal with that... however here I am, 33 and I have to be the one to break up with someone... it wasnt easy... but in a way today, I feel free. I love her still, but the energy and her life was suffocating. killing, and strangling my household.
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