CONFLICT RESOLUTION: ON HUMOR IN THE COPING TOOLBOX
(Part 3: Two short excerpts from the end of this thead
Hi Galagirl - You gave me a belly laugh with this. I'm picturing you at a party. You're lighting off fireworks to have fun and keep it light, and you accidentally burn the place down. Oops, I thought my aim was better than that! Better luck next time! Hey, Jedi Warrior over there, is there another party around here somewhere - after all, practice makes perfect, right?
Originally Posted by GalaGirl
Not that we are conflict FREE. Who is THAT? Dead people? (I joke to keep it light.)
Were both saying the very same thing. You're saying it in your own charming way. At least we're having some fun and hopefully helping a few people along the way.
Thanks for the laugh. Your sense of humor helps to keep the heavy stuff light. Hugs to you - snowmelt
Amused you are amused.
Yes, having different perspectives on the same issue can help the OP.
I go for humor every time -- because that helps me. And it's true that laughter can set off the brain cascade of feel goods.
It's a good tool to have in the emotional coping toolbox we all carry for handling hard Dark times and moving on through them into the Light again.
I love funny stuff. It makes people feel good. But it has to be funny stuff at the right time and place.
It has no place trying to supplant serious discussion. It would make me feel like my wants, needs, limits are being blown off. Or that I am being pooh-poohed or dismissed or undervalued. Or that the person was trying to change the subject and be avoidy.
Punctuate a serious discussion with dry wit an humor -- that I can appreciate! Because the serious discussion still moves forward. And with flair! But it is cheating to try to avoid discussion entirely with a joke so you can shove it under the rug.
AFTER the big talk thing? I love a laugh -- celebrate having navigated a tough conversation. Hooray!
I get mad, get tense in negotiation, then I want to laugh and relax when it is over. If partner can take all that? Serious when it is time to be serious and fun when it is time to be fun? I start to feel aroused because of the mental and emotional intimacy just experienced and then I want the body intimacy to come online too.
I remember DH trying to learn this about me and the breakthrough moment when we were having a heated argument. I don't even remember what it was about now -- it was at our first apartment living together. I do remember being startled that it started with me being all hot headed frustrated and then he got all hot head and launched into some diatribe about why he hates
having to be Mr Reasonable all the time and how sometimes HE feels like a nutjob.
I recall being torn between several distinct feelings.
- Wait! This was MY stage and freak show -- I was the one having a tantrum here! He's not supposed to take center stage!
- Wait! This is a break through moment for him and for me in understanding where he's coming from. Hooray! I've been waiting for this one for AGES!
- Wait! He's being a hot head! He's speaking my language that I understand! Hooray! I know THIS. I totally do not understand Cool and Collected Land. But this game I get and I play well. Hooray! I needled him and he broke! Haha! I win!
I remember him rattling on with punctuated bits from me like "See? Why can't you just SAY that to me outright more often?" or "Well... spit it OUT! I'm not a mindreader!"
I remember handing him kleenex and sitting on the floor leaning against our bed stroking his hair and he was upset and crying and yelling and I don't know what. Some strange torrent of many pent up feelings from all over the map came pouring out of him. I was mad he'd stolen my stage, but I couldn't STAY mad when he was letting loose so many old burdens.
We never arrived at some kind of neat and pat conclusion. We did
arrive at greater understanding of how the other one functions/thinks and two very different styles of personalities. And that felt satisfying and like the argument served some greater purpose and while messy, had been worthwhile to have.
The next thing that happened? He grabbed me up in a passionate kiss and I bit his lip and snaked my leg around his hip and the next thing I knew I was laughing flat on my back on our bed while he frantically was peeling his own and my clothes off. He got impatient and just grabbed my panties and literally ripped them off me and I did not care. He pounced, I responded eagerly. It was a feeling that was hard to describe other than I didn't know where I ended and he began. Like I was some Animal that finally picked up the scent of their Mate and was staking a claim. Maybe that was the first fusion point of Double Helix Life Thread beginning to spin?
We rolled around all over the place being Wild Things. When we finally came back to Earth I grinned at him.
"See? Told ya. It's very easy for me to go from mad to horny. Passion is passion."
"Yes, I see. My god. I get it now but I don't see how you can stand to do it at that high a volume all the time. You are going to kill me one day."
"Haha. I'm doing my best. Hungry. Dinner?"
We stood on the bed to survey the ruined messy bedroom and carefully picked our way out. We went out to dinner and cleaned things up later on. It was a shambles. I saved those broken panties for years before they finally got tossed. We were 20 and 21 back then.
Most of our heated arguments were from that time in the first apartment because we were just first learning (as all couples do) how to fight fair and deal in conflict resolution effectively. How to hold tempers and frustrations in check. How to deal with the emotional flooding
These days there's intense discussion, but there isn't the drama of youth.
It still makes me laugh to look back though.
It still makes me laugh today when we have some intense conversation or crazy lovemaking and he shakes his head and goes "I'm such a dead man. You are going to kill me one day."
I usually reply "Yep. I'm workin' on it. And I warned you."
He grins and goes something like "Yes, I know. And I still signed up. Crazy me."
Oh, how I love when he laughs! We're both such suckers for that -- when the laugh or the smile goes to the eyes! That damn twinkly