ON CONFLICT RESOLUTION: THE VALUE OF OBEYING YOUR OWN LIMIT
I don't mind stretching wings. Or stepping outside my comfort zone in order to grow a bit. Or agreeing to wing it, if I have established my partner in crime "wings it" well and shoulders some of the burden and not just shooshes it all on to me if things do not work out like we thought.
But doing something that compromises my integrity? I have a hard time with that.
I want to be with someone who wants to work with me, negotiate with me, treat me well and like a person of value. Where my wants, needs, and limits are heard and respected.
That could be a deal breaker there -- pressuring me into compromising myself / integrity / beliefs/ values. I have high standards for ethics and playing fair. I can't see me just abandoning them or letting go of Hard Limits.
I have to think about that some more. But I don't think it is effective conflict resolution for me to just
go against core values that I own. I am willing to listen. I could change my mind based on the case presented completely or give an exception to the rule. I may even have a deep paradigm shift and change a belief entirely!
But that's going to happen AFTER discussion and a case was presented to me fairly. NOT BEFORE. And not just because you SAY so and I must just change to suit you just
because you say so!
(Part 2 : Excerpt from this thread.
That's interesting. I didn't see this as an attraction to angry people. She's not having a cow thing with Craig.
I see this as people who do not have good conflict resolution skills. And people who are struggling to play like honorable Star Wars Jedi together. (BOTH)
I see some use of the word "incompatible" where I would use "conflict." DH and I are very compatible. We are not conflict free. It is HOW we navigate through areas of discernment/conflict resolution that make us great together. Not that we are conflict FREE. Who is THAT? Dead people? (I joke to keep it light.)
See? You felt uncomfortable. You ignored YOUR OWN LIMIT.
Given that, if I get into a similar model in the future, I would want better agreements in place as to what the desired trajectory is and what we will do in various scenarios. Ted wasn't willing to work through that with me; he claimed that there were too many unknowns and situations that could not be foreseen, and that we should just play it by ear. I was uncomfortable with that, but agreed to go along with that since he refused to do otherwise.
Then all this happened. And now you have learned the value of obeying YOUR OWN LIMIT and not moving something forward despite misgivings. That stuff bites you in the ass later. (I mean this kindly, not judge-y at all.)
I also see this -- Ted NOT OWNING HIS BAGGAGE. He does not clearly KNOW and state his own wants, needs, and limits. Ted was witholding information -- it is a lie of omission. Not expressing feelings or what their internal weather is like right now. Expecting mind reader-ing. Then playing Mr Avoidy? Then playing Mr Resenty? (All unspoken until he blows? Yargh.)
Ok, you could have listened to your own gut that was sending you a LIMIT flag. But HE was not being honest with himself about his own limits/fears. Did not own his responsibility to REPORT. Could have just spit it out to you "Baby, no way, Jose! I do NOT want to open. Not now, ever. That is MY hard limit. It is not a soft limit that can be negotiated over time!"
Ted doesn't sound like he knew himself well. Well, that is over.
Do your work to know YOU better.
There is no way you can predict every possible scenario that happens in a polyship. You can try to get a few common ones down. But better still is to agree to your rights and responsibilities for how you agree to be together in polyship. That's how I roll. Clear enough, but flexible enough.
When we hit an area of discernment/conflict resolution place? I go with something like this. Everyone owns a piece of the proverbial elephant in the room.
Then Life can carry on mostly alright at the happy medium most of the time. Yay. Cupcakes for all!
*hugs* I know you hurt. Remember to breathe.