Hi there. You are not alone. There are plenty of members here who don't subscribe to hierarchies in their poly relationships. There have been numerous debates and discussions on this and related topics. If you do a tag search for terms such as "equanimity" "co-primaries" "hierarchy" veto", you will find some discussions which may interest you.
But to start you off, there is a long Master Thread discussing the pros and cons of hierarchies here: Primary/Secondary: Merged Threads, General Discussion / Debate
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What Are Your Poly Guidelines And Boundaries?
Interesting PoV on Veto
Solo poly people - what's your ideal?
Originally Posted by Phy
Hm, I guess I understand what you are getting at, but you have to bear in mind: Whomever you invite into your life, will be part of the life of your other partner(s) as well.
Maybe. Maybe not. I prefer to keep my relationships separate from each other. They know that I see other people, but nobody needs to meet or have any involvement with each other. I guess this depends on whether you are solo/independent or partnered/cohabiting.
Originally Posted by Ttree
. . . I find it interesting that you are in a primary relationship which does not incorporate "vetos". I think this is what my current relationship could turn into.
But why would it turn into a veto arrangement if that is exactly what you don't want?
Set your own boundaries and don't agree to things that don't work for you. It almost sounds as if you see polyamory as this "thing" that will take over your life and make decisions for you, putting you in situations that you don't like.
It's simple, really. You want to have multiple relationships, you manage them, state and accept what you want, reject what you don't want, and move on if people give you shit and expect you to conform to their rules without regarding yours.