I'm with nycindie and arrowbound. He's got no
respect for boundaries -- hitting on that girl who is NOT into him. And you?
1. He thinks the only acceptable response to him finding someone he's interested in is enthusiasm from me, since that is what he gives me. I don't know if I can ever achieve this, even though I agree it would be the most desirable response.
In other words -- "Do what I want when I say! That is the only acceptable here! I like this chick. Therefore your response should be yippeee! Whether you really feel that or not. Because I say so!"
He's decided he owns you AND your feelings AND how you should behave. Did you give him permission to do this? I doubt it!
2. He thinks that if I am not interested in dating this girl, I am not behaving acceptably (within the framework of being poly) by ever saying no. I should have given it a shot, despite the issues I raised, or encouraged him to date her on his own since I'm not interested.
The only valid part there is for you guys NOT to date a couple. The rest is more of his railroading you to get his way.
Not only is it acceptable
to say "No" -- you have the RIGHT to say "yes" or "no" about who gets access to your mind, body, heart and soul. YOU belong to YOU. YOU decide who you share yourself with.
You may reconsider why you share yourself with this guy. He is not respectful of you at all.
3. He does not think he should have to "police" his behavior, e.g., not flirting with her after we discussed and agreed (or so I thought) that she was not a good option for dating. In principle I agree with this, but a huge trigger for me feeling jealous/insecure is when I feel like my feelings are not being considered, which is how the flirting made me feel.
Why are you surprised he does not want to police his behaviour? He does not want to HAVE to consider your feelings at all.
He doesn't give a damn if the chick has boundaries.
He doesn't care if you do either.
He wants what he wants when HE wants it, screw everyone else.
I'm sorry if that is Hard to Hear. But he's just... ugh.
You put your foot down on this and tell it like it is to YOURSELF first. Then him. And hold your head high.
No, you are not in charge of him or his actions. He is in charge of his actions.
But you have a LIMIT. And if he chooses to do X, then you will choose Y and walk out the door.
Everyone is a free agent. Everyone choose how they want to be. Cannot be fairer than that.
If you cannot agree on how to be in right relationship and honor that? Just don't have a relationship. Problem solved. And you don't have to suffer heartache with a guy who has no boundaries any more.
Thppt. He's incredibly FRESH.