Thread: Poly or not?
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Old 08-17-2012, 07:00 PM
TornHeart TornHeart is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Default Poly or not?

He says he's polyamorous.

Help me determine this.

We meet. We get along. We go on a couple of dates. We have sex. He then reveals his interest in polyamory. I'm surprised, but I'm open minded and truth be told -- I've been explorying polyamory, too. He's dating ONE other person, who he says knows about me. So, I say OK, let's date but I want open communication. I want honesty. He says OK. I trust that OK. We have fun every time we see each other.

Two months and a couple of weeks later, he goes on a trip. Comes back. Change is dramatic. He suddenly wants "me time". "I need space," he says. "But, I still adore you. We are fine 110%." I still feel iffy about it, but I choose to trust what he says. He has work, I say. So I go on a few dates, but don't sleep with any of the men I date. I'm open to having sex with others, but at this time I just didn't feel the right connection enough to go there. Besides, he and I had an agreement that if we do decide to sleep with other people -- for safety reasons -- we need to tell each other.

Two weeks later after he told me he needed space, he seems to be a bit better -- almost like how we used to be. Laughing, playing, having great sex. Then I ask him, "Have you hooked up with anyone lately other than me and your other girl?" He looks thoughtful and says, "I met someone before I left on my trip but she just gave me a blowjob." I say OK... but then I'm confused why he didn't choose to tell me. Then he says, "I also fucked my roommate like a week ago. We fucked before but she needed some, and I wanted to be a good friend so I fucked her." I go, OK... um... why didn't you tell me then? He says he's telling me now. He says it probably won't happen again. My head says oh it'll happen again. But I decide again, OK, I have to talk to him about safety issues. I know his sexual health (we've both been tested as well as the other girl) and as far as I knew it was just the three of us at this time... but now I don't know. I tell him I don't know the other people's sexual health and so he needs to be upfront with me. He says OK.

We spend the night. We have a great night. I start feeling like OK this could go back on track.

I go home. I have a good day at work. I come home early. On my way home, he drives by (he lives nearby) and next to him is a woman I don't recognize. He waves. He looked nervous.

I text him, "LOL! Is that (the other girl's name) Hope you guys have fun!"

He texts back, "That was actually (a friend of his from high school) she is visiting (from out of town) and is here (for four days)."

I text back, "Oh, is that why you''re busy this weekend? " trying to tease him.

He texts: "Yeah, we see each other once a year."

I ask him: "Is she THAT type of friend... ie do you sleep together?"

He says: "Yes, she is that type of friend. I would have told you but I didn't see the point in it. I am still trying to wrap my head about this whole disclosure thing mainly because I don't want to set that type of \
expectation."

Me: "Not causing drama but I'm confused why you hadn't mentioned it to me last night that you were having a guest over, who obviously you would be having sex with. I thought we agreed to tell each other stuff like this?"

Him: "We were close in high school. I guess I diddn't see a reason to tell you. I have no problem telling you shit ahead of time but not sure if we want to set that expectation."

Me: I wish you had said something. I would have understood. Anyway, I don't want to spoil your weekend. All I am concerned about is safety obviously. I know you but I hope you understand that I don't know them and their health safety record. If you knew that I was sleeping with other guys you would want to know that they were safe too. You mentioned and stressed on that before. I am not mad. Just very confused.

Him: Definitely. I don't even know if we are having sex. We agreed to tell each other if we do for safety's sake and that's what I'm going to do.

At this point, I'm looking at my phone going WTF? I am so confused... so I don't text. Mainly because I don't want to ruin his weekend ( I do care about him deeply and if he's happy then so be it ) but at the same time I am hurt and I am confused and now I am also scared for my health. Do I get myself checked again?

He texts again: Are you OK?

I respond. I am.

That wasn't a lie. I am OK. I just wish he would have told me.

My questions are:

Am I wrong for thinking I've been duped?

He is slowly sounding like he keeps things secret from me. If he hadn't driven past and me seeing him with a passenger, I wouldn't have known she was even visiting.

Is he polyamorous or just someone who is 23 years old, having his cake and eating it too? Sometimes I wonder if there are men who just hide behind polyamory to screw around. I may or may have one in my hands.

As for me, I've accepted a date tonight and another one tomorrow night. I'll respect the rule that if I have sex with any of these men, I will let him know. Thing is, I don't think he's been respecting that rule all along.


I'd love your view points.

Thank you.

Update: I removed the "if and when we sleep together again... Condoms are a must" line because I realize how stupid that sounded. What the fuck was I thinking going bareback with him? Ugh...

Last edited by TornHeart; 08-17-2012 at 07:53 PM.
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