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Old 08-17-2012, 05:27 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Illinois
Posts: 284

Originally Posted by mostlyclueless View Post
1. He thinks the only acceptable response to him finding someone he's interested in is enthusiasm from me, since that is what he gives me. I don't know if I can ever achieve this, even though I agree it would be the most desirable response.
It would be great if no one ever had negative emotions. That's not going to happen. It's an unrealistic goal. Tell him to get over it. This is hard. Being poly is not as "easy" as being mono. Lots more people to consider. Lots of feelings. Lots of lots of lots of lots of stuff. See what I'm getting at here?
2. He thinks that if I am not interested in dating this girl, I am not behaving acceptably (within the framework of being poly) by ever saying no. I should have given it a shot, despite the issues I raised, or encouraged him to date her on his own since I'm not interested.
Behaving acceptably? So you're never allowed to say no? Why does he even bother asking then? Maybe you should have given it a shot. Maybe you should encourage him. I don't know. I don't know either of them. But taking "no, that's not a good idea" off the table is a horrible suggestion.
3. He does not think he should have to "police" his behavior, e.g., not flirting with her after we discussed and agreed (or so I thought) that she was not a good option for dating. In principle I agree with this, but a huge trigger for me feeling jealous/insecure is when I feel like my feelings are not being considered, which is how the flirting made me feel.
I don't want my wife flirting and hanging all over someone when we're in public. She should police that. There are appropriate places for appropriate behavior. I love seeing my wife with other men. I do not love seeing her in situations that make me uncomfortable. This made you uncomfortable. Tell him to stop being insensitive to your feelings.
My takeaway from all of this is that there is no fucking way I will ever be "poly enough" for him.
Stop. Right there. Not a foot further. There is no such thing as "poly enough". There are varying degrees of poly in the essence that you enjoy "crushing from afar", dating casually, dating seriously, and multiple marriages. All of these are poly. You are either poly or you aren't. That defines YOU. Being poly does not immediately mean you aren't going to have jealousy or insecurity or reservations. Those things involve HIM. You can be poly until the cows come home, doesn't mean you won't recognize a bad situation when you see it. Poly does NOT equal "slut" (I put it in quotes because the ethical sluts are trying to take that word back).
I am willing to work so hard to try to find a middle ground, and I thought that agreeing to date people together and me seeking out people who I thought were good options (which I have been doing) showed that I was committed and trying. I am in therapy trying to get over my jealousy/insecurity issues and most of it centers around not feeling loved/important in my relationship. I agree that the things he's asking for should ideally be happening, I would love to be able to be happy for him, and for him to date separately, and for everyone to be happy. But since I can't do that now, and am working toward it, I feel like he is being a huge spoiled brat throwing a temper tantrum since he can't get his way all the time.

I hope that all made sense. Please, any help or advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated.
Yeah. People have problems with feeling loved/important and having jealousy/insecurity. It happens. It sucks. He needs to be more supportive and less insensitive, because for every step you take in the confines of your counseling and trying to build it up will get crushed and send you even further back when you're outside of the safety of your counselors office and in the real world. One is theory, the other is practice. You're excelling in theory, but it's impossible to succeed in practice unless you have a safety net. Tell him to be that safety net.

You go as slow as the slowest person. Not as quick as the fastest.

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Some brief thoughts.

I don't think that only dating together is in any way a good compromise. It's not some middle ground, it's just a dysfunctional approach to dating that I honestly don't believe has a chance of working out well in the current climate of your relationship. Why put the both of you, and another person, through that just for the sake of an ideal of compromise? I apologize if that sound harsh, but it's as clear as I can put it.
Agreed. I'll elaborate more on this later.

Originally Posted by mostlyclueless View Post
I understand that dating together is pretty unpopular around these parts, but honestly I think it is a pretty hard rule for me. The more experiences we have, the more certain I am of that. I think it's possible that our relationship could evolve to include separate relationships, but that would be a long way off.
Incorrect. My wife and I would greatly like someone we could share. It's just really, really hard to find that, especially when you guys aren't super strong on your own. People on here look down on it because most people treat it like unicorn hunting. You guys are concerned about the two of you but not the unicorn. Don't be a unicorn poacher. Hunt in season only. Do not trespass on the wildlife preserve.

As far as it being a hard limit, that's important. Right now it's a hard limit. You should set a re-evaluation date of 6 months. In 6 months, still hard limit? Soft limit now? You'd still prefer a unicorn but you'd accept another couple or maybe even separate dating so long as everyone's needs are being met?

If it's truly a hard limit, lay down the law. Don't tell him it's a hard limit and then back off when he breaks boundaries. He flirted after you told him not to. That's not cool.
As far as involving someone else in our dysfunction, I agree that is to be avoided, but I don't think dating separately gets around that at all.
No, it doesn't. I don't think you two should date anyone at all until you guys are stronger in your relationship.
We already took a 1 month break for me to get my head together; I think if I asked for 6 months he would consider it stalling.
How do you know that? Ask him. The worst he can do is say no. Don't get mad when he says no. It's a discussion about dating, not a life-threatening surgery. Be happy if he compromises and gives you another month. Something has to change, and you shouldn't be assuming what he's going to do because of what he's done in the past. Every day is a new day.
By people who are not appropriate, I mean all kinds of things -- people who are not interested in either of us, people who are not interested in poly, people who are in very dysfunctional situations, etc.
That is so ambiguous it's not even useful. Of course he's going to break this.

I'll make a pretend list for you. Change the answers as you see fit.

Hard Limits:
No Family
No Friends
No exes

Soft Limits:
No one with a currently dysfunctional relationship (meaning, you shouldn't date anyone because you guys are currently in this category, so you're subjecting someone else to something YOU aren't comfortable with)
No one not currently in poly situations or poly-accepting
No one not interested in both you and me (they could be interested in one and end up liking the other, so I filed this under soft limit)
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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